at home on a tuesday! sick. :(

it's about time i updated this thing.

I promised a while ago that I wouldn't use this blog to complain about a pretty damn cushy life, and since I haven't had anything nice to say... i've been quiet. :P

I've been pretty impervious to getting sick this season. Totally different from the last few years, when I've gotten sick at least 3 or 4 times per season. I attribute my invincibility this year to my excellent physical conditioning. There were a couple of close-calls, this year, but nothing too bad.

This week, however, I have been derailed. :(

Last week, I was only able to make it to workouts on Tuesday. I was too hung over from the weekend in Vegas to go on Monday, and had to proctor a midterm on Thursday morning, so I couldn't go on Thursday. I got sick on Sunday, and haven't been able to work out yet.

I am feeling fat.

that's mainly because my diet hasn't been the best. It hasn't been the worst, but it's definitely not ideal.

I gave Mike and Jon notice that I will be stopping training after January. I figure I will give myself some time to recover from the holidays (with my family, weight gain is inevitable), and then it's time to take this fitness thing on my own. Also, I just can't afford to keep it up. Well, not if i want to be able to save up for anything, that is.

I extended the original 4-month contract with the hopes of losing the last 10 lbs, and/or losing body fat. I'm pretty sure I haven't lost any weight, but I am down another size, which is promising! I am still pretty flabby, but I am coming to terms with that. This might be as good as it gets, and I think I should stop beating myself up for not having what I think is the ideal body. This might just be ideal for me, and I need to be ok with that.

It took me a long time to come to this conclusion, because it felt very much like I was giving up/quitting. The only thing I have quit in my life is piano, and I sort of regret that. I HATE the thought of being a quitter.

This is not to say that I won't continue to work out, and try for less body fat... but i think i need to set some realistic goals for myself -- realistic for my love of food, stress level at work, and need to have a social life (let's face it... people who are on a strict diet are no fun).

I think this is more healthy than being "skinny-minnie"?

human race

last weekend was the nike human race.

results: ran the 5k in just under 35 mins. I was so excited to start the race that i forgot to check my start time. nike didn't bother with the chips that time you, so we were responsible for watching our start and finish time. Crossed the finish line just as the clock said 34:something.

I ran over half of it nonstop, which is a new record for me, especially for a non-treadmill run. I think the last mile got me, because I stopped 3 times to walk for about 20 seconds. My competitive side got the better of me, and i forced myself to start running again even tho i just wanted to walk the rest. It wasn't so much that I was tired... it was more the mental game of feeling like I had sooo much more to go.

i can't tell if that's a good time or not (i have no frame of reference), but I'm pretty damn proud of myself for doing it.

I am still a little amazed at myself and how much i have accomplished since i started working out with Mike. I NEVER would have been able to do this six months ago.

I've never been a runner. Absolutely hate it, in fact. Somehow, tho, I really enjoyed myself at the 5k. I'm pretty sure it was fun because of the company I had (ran with one of my students, two of my bible study buddies, and two friends from UCLA). I kind of want to try for the 10k next time, but I know it will require a lot more training and a lot more mental toughness. I must be going crazy...

Mike has me doing deadlifts, but I am having a hard time with form. As soon as he puts me at 135, my form falls to pieces, and I can't lift using my butt anymore. Mike had me stretch out after workout yesterday because my form sucked so bad, but my lower back kind of hates me despite that. Standing all day for fundus lens proficiencies today hasn't helped much, either. One more day of proficiencies tomorrow, and then hopefully I can take it a little easier.

My shoulders and chest are also sore from doing bench presses. I've come to the realization after watching guys do chest exercises that I have boobs, not a chest. :P How do you guys press so much?? Pressing two 25lb dumbbells makes me make my constipated face...

ripped the callouses off my palms this morning in the gym doing deadlifts, but didn't know I did it until I got home. My hands are gross right now. I'm almost afraid to shake somebody's hand because I have all this hardened, dead skin poking out. Too bad I'm trying not to be a wuss, or I'd definitely glove up.

don't have time to post the entire workout. just thought i'd share the grossness that is me. Oh yeah, and also, since i'm into oversharing, I am sooo guilty of showing the VPL (visible panty line) at the gym. Esp this morning cuz i was rockin' the granny panties. :) I just don't feel like it's worth the extra laundry to have to change underwear just to work out. Laziness wins out over shame, i guess.

oh man. this really was a little too much of an overshare. i might delete this post later...

body going crazy

last week was not so great diet-wise. I went out for drinks on Thursday and Friday, and had a bbq at my place on Saturday, which meant that I ate a lot of (fatty)carbs when I probably shouldn't have.

I woke up this morning feeling fat. :(

I also felt my worst last week, as far as workouts and just getting through the day. I had pretty bad headaches on thursday, friday and saturday, and was falling asleep at work on thursday and friday. I took an hour-long nap on Saturday, and a 3-hr nap on Sunday (which I haven't needed to do since I started working out, incidentally -- 3-hr naps on Sunday used to be pretty standard practice).

i didn't really think about the general malaise. I don't think I'm very good at listening to my body -- which is how I managed to get fat and lazy in the first place... my body had been crying out for change for a long time. I just kept ignoring it. I'm hoping to be better about listening to my body now that I know what being healthy feels like.

Warning: another overshare about to come. I wasn't actually supposed to be on my period last week or this week, but it has started and stuttered these two weeks, along with cramps (which are usually accompanied by fatigue, but I can't tell if i was tired from hormones or something else). I'm not sure exactly what this means, but I am going to the endocrinologist tomorrow for a follow-up on PCOS and being on bcp's. We'll see what he says based on my blood work from last week. Maybe that's why it's been so hard with the cravings and workouts.

I emailed my food logs to Mike this morning, and he told me that I haven't been consuming ENOUGH calories if I am going for the no carb/atkins during the week, and carb-loading on the weekend. I averaged about 600-700 cals/day during the week, and about 1200? on the weekend. I may have miscalculated, but maybe that's why I was having a hard time last week?

He said I should be getting 1500 on non-workout days, and 2000+ on workout days! Woohoo, that means I don't have to keep telling the fat girl to stop eating. The only problem is that I am getting a little sick of eating just meat and green veggies, and am therefore having a hard time WANTING to eat (which may also have been why my calories were so low last week -- nothing was appetizing to me), unless it's a cookie or ice cream. Who'd have thought I, girl who LOVES to eat, would grow tired of eating??

hehe, I went for a carl's jr. low carb 6 dollar burger for dinner tonight, though, and it was delicious. Maybe I don't dread eating that much... ;)

I want a cookie

the only thing that is saving me from buying a cookie is the fact that i left my wallet in the car from driving to workout this morning, and I am too sore/lazy to walk to the parking structure to get it. There is a God, and He knows I should not be eating a cookie.

why do i want a cookie? because work is stressing me out. I won't bore you with the details.

This morning's workout (another ow):

3 laps, with sprints down the back leg of each lap

as many squats as possible, holding two 30-lb dumbbells; 20 seconds on, 10 seconds rest, repeat for five minutes total

30 j's

as many squats as possible, bodyweight only, but wider stance w/ feet pointed out, arms up at the bottom, down when standing, fast reps; 20 seconds on, 10 seconds rest, repeat for six minutes total

2 laps w/ sprints down the back

box jumps with squats on the box, 15 reps. 5 sets.

straight-leg deadlifts with two 30-lb dumbbells, 10 reps. 3 sets.

35? j's

single leg deadlifts with back leg extended, one 30-lb dumbbell. First set of 10 grabbing weight with hand on same side as weight-bearing leg. Second set, opposite hand and leg (my hammies are sore).

walking lunges. 2 lengths of parking lot = 1 set. 2 sets.
Mike started me out with the two 30-lb dumbbells. I asked to switch to the bar because my forearms were killing me. My grip is uber weak.

The bar was better, but not by much. My back and shoulders started to ache, and taking a break only really rested my legs.

finished with 3 laps around the parking lot, with sprints again.

diet was crappy this weekend because I went to a wedding, and had 12 station food for lunch from pickup stix on Friday. I couldn't resist the chow mein. Exchanged that with a no-carb dinner of tri tip and broccoli on Sunday with my bro. Prolly doesn't even out...

mental roadblock?

today's workout:

circuits of:
burpees
squat thrusts with the ez curl bar and 20 lbs?
box jumps
run to the end of the parking lot and back

two sets of 10, then two sets of 8, two sets of 6, 4, 2.

5 sets of:
seated cable rows, 8 reps at 70 lbs.

knee-ups/jumping jacks between sets

straight-arm cable oblique woodchoppers, 30 reps at 60? lbs

5 sets of:
push ups on the smith machine bar, 10 reps
modified pullups/chinups on the same bar (feet on the floor), 10 reps

5 sets of:
dips, 10 reps
pull ups, 10 reps, on the assisted pull-up machine

ab work (i was weaksauce by then, and needed breaks)

stairs of death at level 10, 5 minutes. Still can't do it nonstop. I suck. :(

my head wasn't totally in it today. Work has been crazy busy, and had a couple of late nights thrown in from extra meetings. I have been pretty ok with eating. The only carbs I've had probably from hidden carbs in salads ordered from restaurants. I'd forgo the salads, but I need some fiber in my diet (otherwise I would only be eating meat, some cheese, nuts and protein shakes).

Workouts were super challenging last week, and I left them feeling awesome (shoot, I felt awesome during them). This week, they've been pretty challenging as well, but for whatever reason, my mental toughness hasn't been full force. I find myself wondering what i've gotten myself into halfway through the session, and wishing I was anywhere but working out. I still feel good after workouts (and everything is worth it), but this feeling of dread during workouts is new.

I'm surprised to find this mental barrier, because it seems like i've been going along at a good pace, and I'm finally getting leaner. I like pushing myself further than I've pushed before... running faster, lifting more, etc. with each workout. It feels AWESOME. I've honestly never made it this far in all my attempts at losing weight. This urge to take a break and relax for a bit is pissing me off a bit, because I'm so close. I need to push past this wavering and do this for myself -- to prove to myself that I can do it. It's been a lifelong struggle for me, and I want to finally win. This week felt like it took a huge mental effort to keep with it, and put 100% into working out and diet. I knew there'd be a "total body transformation" when I started this. Who knew I'd also be transforming my mind? :)

Ow, part 2

still sore from yesterday, i went for my punishment this morning:

mike achieved truly evil status by deciding to do timed trials, but timed for the entire workout, not just each individual exercise. This meant that resting in between was nil. >:( you can't see me, but i am folding my arms in a huff.

warm up: 100 j's

sprints: 10 sets (jog down, sprint back = 1 set). see previous post about being retarded.
100 squat thrusts with two 15-lb dumbbells (there is no effing way i could've done 100 squat thrusts without resting. physically impossible!)
50 burpees, w/ jumping
100 push ups (girly-style, of course)
100 bent over rows with two 15-lb dumbbells
10 sprints. could only manage to speed walk down this time
100 squats, bodyweight only

i finished the above somewhere around 48? 46 mins?

next he had us doing ab work (just for fun):
planks for 30 seconds, 5 times
double leg lifts, 50 reps
single leg lifts, 50 reps each leg
50 j's

i am pretty much a walking vessel of lactic acid buildup.

the good news is, i had all my grumpiness/bitchiness from earlier in the week beaten out of me! I am actually cheerful today. hahaha

I signed up to do the Nike human race (any takers?), and am gonna start training for reals tomorrow morning at 8 so that i am not the absolute worst time.

Ow.

Just when i thought the stairs of death couldn't get any worse, mike upped the ante.

Workout this morning:

sprints, 5 lengths of the parking lot. Jog down, sprint at full speed back. I know "retarded" isn't PC, but there is no other word for it. I think I am a slightly retarded runner. Or maybe very retarded. I'd rather not see myself, but I FEEL retarded when i am doing it.

5 sets of:
cable seated rows, 8 reps at high weight? (i know "high" is a relative term, but i can't remember what the weight was)
25 j's

2 sets of:
cable rows with the attachment in lowest position, pulling handlebars into stomach, 20 reps each.

2 sets of:
cable rows with attachment up high? 20 reps. wow. my memory stinks.

2 sets of:
lat pull-downs, but inside grip, so I guess it's a chin-up-like movement; less lats, more shoulder/chest? hahaha, i really should stop trying to name these exercises.
10 burpee-pushups between sets

sqauts in the cage (rawr):
starting with just the bar, 15 reps
then 95 lbs, 10 reps
then xxx lbs, 8 reps
then 135 lbs, 6 reps

20 speed skaters in between squat sets.

then outside with 12 lb medicine ball, walking lunges for the length of the parking lot. There and back is one set. Ball held on the side of the front leg for added abs work for first set, then ball held directly overhead for second set.
10 burpees on the ball between lengths for first set, then 20 jump squats between sets.

My legs were already jello-ish by this time. Here comes the real ow:

inside for stairs of death... wait for it... INTERVALS!
one of the machines goes as high as level 14. Mike has had me on level 12 this whole time, and I thought that was as high as it went... dammit.

level 14 for one minute, then down to 7 for a minute, twice. Maybe Mike was gonna push me for more, but, i pussed out.

I couldn't last more than 30 seconds at level 14, and Mike kept telling me to let go of the handrails (i couldn't last longer than 10 seconds not holding onto the handrails). If you ever want to feel like a heavy, lazy, worthless sack of sh*t, try this.

I finished with 2 mins on level 7, and pretty much wanted to die.

I am having a hard time walking normally now, especially if i sit for too long. :)

tired

I am so tired. All around tired -- physically, mentally, spiritually; just worn out.

I was looking back on my old blogs last week, and I realized I bitch a lot. :P I've decided to try not to bitch so much about my life, because nobody likes a negative nancy. I'm allowing myself this blog to get my bitching done, and then no more. So here goes:

Just a little bit of stability would be a nice change of pace from the chaos that I feel has ruled my life since May: moved to a new house, remodelled said house, got a new puppy who is STILL not potty trained (and has been getting into trouble every five minutes... can't get a moment's peace!), grandpa hospitalized twice, and then passed away last week. I held it together pretty well earlier in the week, but completely lost it at the viewing and funeral. I HATE crying in front of people, but I couldn't help it. It was not pretty.

Mike has switched me to a no-carb/atkins diet during the week, and carbs-but-low-fat on the weekends. Last week, with family in town, post-funeral banquet, viewing, etc, clean eating was pretty much a bust. :( I've run out of excuses except that I am weak. Again, I ate my feelings.

I'm hoping to clean it up this week, and catch up to where I was the week before. It's frustrating to look back and see that I made progress the week before, only to undo it all last week. I am so bad at not letting my life interfere!

My one consolation is that I am still making it to workouts. I am glad I'm still working with Mike, because I would definitely NOT be hitting the gym and attempting clean eating right now if I weren't. This morning was especially tough to get out of bed. I really really really wanted to just turn over, burrow deeper in the blankets and sleep more.

I'm pretty sure if I were left to my own devices, I would be sleeping in and carb-festing. I really just want to crawl into a hole somewhere and disappear for a while.

Ok, that's enough wallowing in self-pity.

In other news, I am making progress in lifting! Mike started me on squats with the bar in the squat cage, and deadlifts with the bar. *fist pump (hehe, I'm so lame). He said my form has improved a lot in the past month, which is also awesome. The only thing holding me back is my grip. :( I have calluses (sp?) but not good enough to last me through the set. I was thinking of giving in and wearing the gloves daph bought me until I told my bro, and he said "gloves are for pussies."

ok then.

I guess I'll see how long I last before finally admitting that i am a pussy. hahahaha

measurements

measurements today:

I think I lost about 5 lbs (as predicted) from previous weigh-in. It is what it is. That's just about all I have to say about that.

But, I also lost another 3% in body fat!

down half an inch in neck
down two inches in chest
down one inch in hips
down one and a half inches in waist

don't remember how much i lost in legs and arms, but they are all down from previous measurements as well. Unfortunately, my legs are no longer balanced. Somehow, my left leg is leaner than my right leg. Ah well, hopefully things will even out again by next time. I won't hope for equality between my arms, because there just isn't any way. I use my right arm/shoulder way more (doing BIO in particular), and it shows. I'd try to switch hit, but I think patient care might suffer, and i'm not that vain.

according to the caliper measurements, I've lost a lot of back fat. I'm hoping that's where the 2 inches around the chest came from, cuz if I continue to lose boob, I won't have any left to speak of. :P

The whole concept of back fat really grosses me out. Back fat and jiggly arms have plagued me since... well, since I can remember, honestly. I am glad I am finally losing it.

If I can continue to lose body fat at the ever so slow rate of 3% every 2 months, that's cool. I'm hoping to be down to "normal" BMI by next weigh-in, but if it turns out that I only get leaner without losing weight, I'm cool with being overweight. It means I will be one dense little woman. Don't mess with me, biotches!

skinny bitch showing through

This ends the first week of 3 workouts a week with Mike.

Thank God there were no stairs of death today, because I think they may have actually delivered me to an early death. I kid, but I was REALLY tired by the end of the workout.

Today was more total body stuff:

3 laps around the parking lot

50 j's

walking lunges: two lengths of the parking lot = 1 set. 2 sets (fack, that hurt)

50 jump squats

wood choppers with quick change in between to alternate sides each rep: as many as possible in 20 seconds, then 10 second rest for 5 mins (holy shit bricks, this was hard!)

straight-arm cable pull-downs (works shoulders and upper back) 35 reps

push ups on the bench, 30 reps = 1 set. First set with hands close, second set with hands wide. Again, my upper body/arms are still not strong enough to do an awesome push up with the correct form. sigh.

25 j's

leg lifts with two 12-lb dumbells overhead, 50 reps

supine punches with 15 lb dumbbells in each hand (basically a one-armed chest press), as many as possible in 20 seconds, then as many tricep extensions as possible in 20 seconds. 3 sets of this, with flies and bilateral tricep extensions in the middle set.

2 laps

bicep curls with a towel: i held the middle of the towel, and mike held the two ends to provide resistance. Two arms at a time, then one arm at a time, then back to both arms, for 20 reps each set. I am still such a panty-waste at bicep curls, it's ridiculous.

2 laps around the parking lot with two 15-lb dumbbells in a farmer carry. Hopefully I was supposed to walk this, because running would've been physically impossible.

bicep curls with 12-lb dumbbells, 35 reps.

3 laps around the parking lot, with 30 j's in between each lap.


I'm noticing more definition in my arms, but they are still pretty flabby (esp. back of the arms). My waist is definitely more well-defined, and I got a compliment on my legs last week when I wore a dress (yes, ladies and gents, Ed, the eternal tomboy, wore a dress. It must be cold in hell). Hello, skinny bitch.

I hesitate to call her the skinny bitch, because I don't really want to be skinny. Skinny implies no muscle tone/softness/weakness. But just calling myself a bitch doesn't really convey the message either (as much as the title "bitch" alone might suit me -- no comments, please, haha). :P When I look in the mirror now, I can see the skinny bitch showing through at times. Welcome, new friend. Come out and play. Please stay a while. I promise to not let the fat girl eat you away.

back at the gym

it's funny how weak-willed I have been lately.

had last week off from the gym because Mike was out of town on vacation. Somehow that translated to vacation for me as well in my head, because I didn't work out very hard at all. I took the dogs for walks every other day, but it was nothing in comparison to my usual workouts with mike. I made a wrong turn on one of those walks, and ended up going a little further than I should have. Kina (did I tell you I have a new puppy? German shepherd, 3 months old, lots of fun but lots of trouble and mischief) got tired towards the end, and started lagging like crazy. I'm a little worried about her hips being overworked as she's a puppy so I carried her home for the last half. She's about 30 lbs right now, which isn't too bad, but she's really awkward to carry, especially when Alfie is tugging at the leash that is strapped to my left hand. Needless to say, we took lots of breaks.

I also went to the Orange County Rescue Mission to feed the residents lunch on Saturday with my small group. Cooking wasn't so bad, but afterwards, we had to mop the floor. I managed to work up a bit of a sweat doing that, but the real "workout" of the day came when I mowed my lawn. My dad insisted on getting me a motorized lawnmower because he said it would be easier. To that, I would have to say, "pah huh!" It is not easier. Just noisier and smellier.

I used this last week as a guage to see what will happen when I eventually stop training with Mike. I have this underlying fear that I will be fat again, and I think it might actually come true. if left to my own devices, I think, like this last week showed me, I would find things to keep myself active, but my innate laziness and penchant for fat bastards would far outweigh any efforts I might muster up.

I've been working out consistently for four months now. You'd think it would've become habit for me, but it obviously hasn't. The pull of my warm, soft bed at 6 AM is greater than the fear of becoming fat. Damn bed.

giving in to that pull ultimately ends in me feeling guilty for the rest of the day for not dragging my ass out of bed to at least go for a walk (why can't i do it when it's just me?? i manage to make it to the gym on time to meet Mike... wtf). Last week, this sometimes ended in me going for a walk in the evening. Other times, it meant sitting on my duff in front of the tv, and then feeling even more guilty the next morning. Yes, my guilt-reflex is strong. but maybe not strong enough.

My next goal is not only to drop a few more pounds (and therefore more bodyfat), but also to get to a point where I can maintain all the work I've put into this body. I would cry if I let all this time and money go to waste. I have to shift my mindset from short term loss to long term lifestyle change. I can NEVER go back to eating the way I did. As much as I love carbs, cakes, cookies, ice cream, french fries, etc they do not love me back. I'm hoping maintenance will be easier than cutting (ie, I'll be allowed a few more indulgences so I won't constantly be fighting the big green eyed monster)!

Back in the gym yesterday, and my arms are reminding me with every move I make how much I slacked off last week. The pain in my arms is way easier to deal with than the guilt I was giving myself for not working out.

Interesting note: my resting bp is 100/60 now, which must mean my resting heart rate is right around target! Awesome. It's probably also why I am so dizzy and lightheaded sometimes. I'm not gonna complain about dizziness though, because I've seen my bp rise at least 20 points when i'm at work and stressed out by the onslaught of students who need their patients checked out (think of the damage I was doing to my blood vessels when my resting bp was 120/80!).

another side note: my mom called while i was at work last week. She left me a voicemail asking me to save all my "fat clothes" for her, because she wants them. It's awesome that most of my wardrobe has become "fat clothes." Pants that used to fit tightly are now loose! I'm gonna keep going until my goal weight, and then throw everything out. I'm gonna save a few of the cuter pieces for my mom, but then force her to be more health-conscious, and not allow her to get comfortable in my fat clothes (cuz i'm a good 3 inches taller than she is... she really shouldn't be wearing my fat clothes).

P.S. it's always a little scary blogging about goals, cuz it's literally throwing down the gauntlet. It's out in the open now, and if I don't do it, it'll be a big FAIL emblazoned across my forehead. Wish me luck!

fell back off the wagon, dammit

this last week/weekend put me right back where I was. :(

a friend came to visit for a couple of days, and I ate crap. The crappiness extended into the weekend, when other friends came over, and we had a bbq. Again, more crap.

Whereas a couple of weeks ago, I had an iron will and was able to not eat something while other people were eating it, now I have something more like a jiggly-puff will. It gives in at the first whiff of fat bastards. Chocolate lava cake and vanilla ice cream. Popcorn. Cookies. Mac and cheese. *sigh*

sometimes i'm driven by this green-eyed monster deep inside that makes me want to eat really yummy-yet-bad-bad-bad foods. This is one of those times, and I'm feeling a little out of control. I wonder if it's hormones or if it's because i'm stressing about something? I find it a little amusing that i don't know the source of my urge to eat everything in sight. If i could identify the source, i might have a fighting chance at stopping it.

well... let's start here: i'm 'fessing up. I ate like crap all last week. Forgive me, for I have sinned. Hello, my name is Ed, and I eat my feelings.

here's to picking myself up, dusting myself off, and getting back on track!

P.S. Mike is out of town on vacation, so no early morning workouts this week. Took the dogs for a walk this morning in lieu of the ass-whooping I usually get. It's not much, but it's a start.

Also, my roommate finally moved in! The house is done, so now I have a roommate. I'm really hoping she decides to train with me, because then I will have a partner in crime to help keep me in check and motivate me to do more outside of the planned workouts with Mike.

TMI...

This blog is going to be a little less motivational, and a little more just too much information. heh. That's what you get for being interested in my progress. If you don't like hearing/reading about poop, lack thereof, or excessiveness, then stop reading NOW. You have been warned.


Last weekend was the last weekend that my parents were here. I am still heaving a sigh of relief.


Of course, since it was the last weekend, we went out to eat. I must've eaten something bad, because by Sunday afternoon, I had a tummy ache and explosive Ring of Fire (if you catch my drift -- that saying "one ring to rule them all" definitely holds true).


I abstained from eating dinner on Sunday, but by Monday was so hungry I HAD to eat. I tried to keep it simple, but somehow over-compensated for the explosiveness... and got backed up. Which, in turn, made me afraid to eat anything again. I could feel everything I ate just sitting in my stomach and intestines. I swear it looked like i was a couple months pregnant on profile. Not a good feeling at all.



Workout on Tuesday morning was... interesting. I never knew it would make a difference, but it did. Have you ever tried working out when you feel like you need to take a deuce? It's not really fun.


They say exercise actually helps with this problem. It works for horses (how the hell do I know this??)... I think by halfway through the workout, I was feeling more normal, but man oh man... the beginning was tough.


Things are more normal today, so I'm glad I'm done with the stomach/GI issues.


Today was actually the 4 month mark from when I started working out the Jungle Fitness and Mike. I would've liked to have had some numbers to post, but I had to go to work early for a department photo, so there was no time to stick around for measurements.





my prediction? I don't think I've lost a lot of weight (probably 3-5 lbs at most) in the past two months. It's really sad that my diet was crappy enough that I out-ate all the working out I did. I'm noticing my belly fat has gone down, though, and at certain angles, I actually have some muscle definition in my upper arms (yeah, baby... working on the gun show). So i'm really hoping that the body fat percentage has gone down, at least.



I've gone down another pant size since the first weigh-in, so SOMETHING has to have changed, if not my weight.



I told myself at the beginning of this I was going to give it 4-6 months. I think to be really fair to myself, I need to redo last month entirely... thus, I am going to sign on for more training. I'm also considering going for one more workout a week, to help speed things along, but it depends on the bank account. Am I crazy? Must be... Nobody who has this much mental diarrhea can be normal. :P

yesterday's workout (legs day. uggggggh):

walking lunges, two lengths of the parking lot

25 jump squats followed by 25 half squats

shuffle-shuffle-squat, two lengths of the parking lot

up-downs

sit ups followed by oblique work

squat thrusts with 10 lb dumbbells. Traded for 12 lb-ers halfway through, and then did one-arm thrusts with superman jump for the last 5 of the set for each arm. Again, i got no hops.

static lunges followed by jumping lunges (all left leg first, then all right leg)

two laps

50 j's

something here that i can't remember. must've been so bad i've blocked it out

stairs of death for 10 mins. first 5 at level 7, then up to level 9 for the last 5 minutes. I STILL suck at this. Had to take a 10 second break A LOT (it's actually about 9 seconds before the stairs completely stop moving from the momentum I create when I'm on them... I allow myself that much of a rest before I get back on. The goal is to not let the stairs stop moving) during the last 5 minutes. Level 9 is just above my threshold for stamina, so my legs were screaming.


was talking it over with my bro, and we've established that somehow I ended up with more of the bulky fast-twitch/sprint muscle, and he has more of the slow-twitch/long-distance/endurance muscle. He can run forever (he was on the track team in high school), whereas I suck at running, but according to him, am freakishly strong for a girl (I think it's cuz he used to sit on me and hold my wrists behind me when we were kids -- i had to develop the muscle to push him off). He can still lift a lot too (which, again, is why i wonder how we are from the same gene pool... all the physical stuff comes so easy for him).

haha, i was thinking if you turned us loose in the African safari, I would def not be able to outrun the lion. My brother, the gazelle, might. Guess i'll have to cultivate more brains to outthink the lion.

If I look at my extended family on my dad's side, half of them are skinny as hell (i used to wonder if i could break their arms just by squeezing too hard). They are all in China, though, so some allowance needs to be made for nutrition and training (being small, pasty and soft seems to be the desired trait in Asia). The other half are built more like me and my dad -- stocky. Too bad I'm a girl, and stocky isn't very cool.

on that front, though, Daph showed me some training vids for female MMA fighters, Gina Carano and Cris "Cyborg" Santos. Wow. They are my new idols. Cyborg kind of scares me, but Gina is actually pretty hot. They both kick some serious ass. Something for me to aspire to...

Dude, that looks so good. You have to try that and tell me if it's as good as it looks

*sigh*

this is my life now.
I make other people eat what I would've eaten pre-diet. muahahahaha. Usually, the victim is my bro, who is always more than willing to comply. I've thought it through over and over... and i really don't understand how we are from the same gene pool.

His body composition is pretty much lean muscle, with minimal fat. He works out regularly, of course, but his diet is shit compared to mine. He has a hard time understanding that I will balloon up like the sta-puft marshmallow man if i so much as breathe in a whiff of the crap he eats: this week, it was Korean fried chicken (twice -- I had a grilled chicken salad instead... pretty tasty, but not quite the same as fried chicken... damn, that was hard to watch), a fruit tart from the bakery next door, pinkberry, baguette with jam (almost an entire foot and a half of fresh-baked goodness in one sitting), bratwurst, white rice, gelato. All of this is usually past 7 pm (did I mention the week we went to Cheesecake Factory and Claim Jumper? that was also pretty miserable to watch). I shudder to think of what he eats during the day when I'm not with him.

I honestly don't think I can chalk it all up to the gender issue. For some reason, my body is just much more "efficient" at storing fat. Yay, me. :P

Pushing the limits

I was waxing philosophical in the gym yesterday during a gruelling back/arms/chest workout (I know, I know, I said in a previous post that I block everything out during workouts and just focus on being there... but I can't help it if my mind wanders occasionally), and I realized that I should be looking at what happens in my life as challenges rather than obstacles.

In the gym, I/Mike push/es me beyond what I thought I could ever do. The sense of accomplishment I get from that is _almost_ more valuable than the physical change. If you'd talked to me four months ago, I never would have believed that I'd be where I am now (the outlook of a fat girl is never really that positive). There's always gonna be that moment where you think you can't do it. Can't finish the set -- shit, you probably CAN'T finish the set (and I often don't). But if you regroup, take a break, and just power through, eventually you get something more accomplished than if you just throw up your hands and give up.

The same applies to my life. These past few weeks have been really stressful. It's all relative, tho. If i look at it as stressful, it will be stressful. If i look at it as an opportunity to push my limits, then I know somehow I will come out better than when I started. So, no more bitching and whining about how my life sucks. I'm pretty damn fortunate (great job, great family, GREAT friends). I can deal with this, and I can get through it, cuz I am better than it (hahaha, i love how i need daily affirmations... from mySELF). :)

I can't remember what I did for workout yesterday (maybe I need ginseng or gingko biloba or something... my memory SUCKS). Here's what I do remember, in no particular order:

Stairs of death at top speed for 5 minutes at the end of the workout. Fuuuuuuuck. Try as I did, i couldn't stay on the whole time, and I kinda felt sick afterwards. There really is nothing fun about the stairs of death.

Running laps around the parking lot with 10 lb dumbbells in each hand: also not fun. Felt like a retard. :)

Also felt slightly retarded doing woodchoppers on the cable machine.

lots of pushups/variations on pushups. My arms felt like fettucini noodles afterwards, but mostly i couldn't help thinking Hunh. I am still too heavy for this.

bicep curls using 15 lb dumbbells for one set, then 12 lb dumbbells for second set.

dips on the bench

chest presses with 25 lb plate; sit ups with 25 lb plate (ugh)

kick outs and knee ups (my abs are still sucks -- hahaha, i really need to stop using engrish, but i love it so. i think it's prolly time to change my tagline, but i get a chuckle out of it every time i think of the cracker box)

cable rows followed immediately by kick outs, 8 sets (Mike called them 8x8's?)


I've been getting the diet back on track... ever. so. slowly. inch. by. damn. inch. So hard to get back to clean eating when you've been eating crap. It's like my body is addicted to crap. I can't wait until my kitchen is back up and running again so I can prepare my own meat and have some leafy greens besides salad (wtf... did i just ask to eat leafy greens??)

the new chronicles of an anger bao

spent the weekend running errands and picking things out for my house. I am about 2 weeks into it, and about 2 weeks past going crazy.

we've basically gutted the house, and are replacing everything except the carpet in the bedrooms. I have no usable kitchen (been like that for about a week), and until today, was down to one shower and one sink (today, I have no sinks -- the cabinets and countertops aren't coming until Wednesday... say hello to brushing teeth and washing dishes in the one bathtub that is functional). There is dust everywhere, and I can't find anything because everything has been moved around. We are saving a lot of money by paying only for labor costs. This means, however, that I have to have everything picked out and picked up BEFORE they can work on things. This is the main source of my stress because:

1. i have issues committing to things that I know are going to be a permanent fixture in my house. What if i grow tired of it in 3 months???
2. i don't know the first thing about picking out things like toilets and light fixtures, nor do i really care about the aesthetics of toilets... and why are there so many !@#%ing options??
3. i am po', but have expensive taste.
4. I feel like i have to make these decisions in 5 minutes because the contractors work so quickly. While this is a good thing overall (I HATE living in this ruin... it is really driving me nuts), I feel too rushed to make an educated choice on a lot of things. I put in a full day at work, and spend my evenings/weekends at Lowes, Home Depot, and chinatown picking materials because they need them literally the next day.
5. my mom keeps finding new improvement projects to do on the house. Again, this is a good thing overall, but is a new source of stress because of the split-second decisions I have to make. She has been calling multiple times a day from Utah with "suggestions," and what i need to do to make them happen. My dad also hates these last minute quick-changes, and when I break the news to him, there are expletives and verbal eruptions that i have to deal with.

I finally just decided to "mm-hmm" through her suggestions, and not mention them to my dad. This was working, up until the point where she decided to drive here from Utah by herself this weekend (more expletives and high decibel eruptions from my dad) to get things done her way. Have I mentioned my family is INSANE?????

6. it's come down to several melting points between my dad and my bro, who has been helping out with managing the contractor. There have been lots of expletives thrown at me while at work. I feel really bad for him for having to deal with things while i am at work, and he keeps reminding me that he is giving up his summer vacation to do things that are technically MY responsibility. Guilt abounds, but my hands are tied. If i'd had more notice, I could have asked for time off from work to deal with these things myself. I took three days off this week during "staff development." I'm not sad to miss staff development, but it doesn't make me look like much of a team player if I take time off during those days, esp if I didn't give much notice before doing it. *sigh*

I feel like things are slipping a little at work too. I have a long list of charts that need to be reviewed and signed, grades need to be entered because it's the end of the quarter, and I got 2 emails from The Big Man about how I haven't been billing enough for our services. Great, now I have a big monkey (literally big) on my back watching my every move. I really need an extra day to just catch up. What am I doing instead? taking more time off...

Last week was 50/50 as far as diet. Because I have no kitchen and no sink, I've been having a lot of protein shakes and Wendy's grilled chicken fillets. Work was especially busy for some reason, and I needed to run errands for the house during lunch so I missed lunch 3/5 days.

we won't talk about my grandpa, cuz then I'll cry, and I'm blogging at work.

i am feeling just a little overwhelmed.

I realized as i was driving into work this morning that i have become a huge "anger bao" (as my dad calls it). My first reaction to things is to get angry nowadays. It's not healthy. I'm taking these 15 minutes to blog, release, and get on with things calmly and rationally. Everything will be ok. It really will. I just need to follow Frankie's advice and relax. :)

public service announcement

came across this as i was "working" on charts this morning:

http://www.forbes.com/2009/07/17/breaking-bad-habits-lifestyle-health-unhealthy-habits.html

I clicked on the slideshow and did a mental count of how many bad habits I have/had before I started working out consistently and eating better (sort of... my diet is still sucky). 5/10: not enough sleep, high stress, poor diet, too much tv, no exercise. High stress and lack of sleep are harder to control, but I should be in control of the other 3.

Since when has 50% ever been acceptable for me? If this was a grade for a class, I'd be sitting in the dean's office, begging for another chance. Why can't I focus on my life the way I tackle school and work? It's strange how dichotomous my life is...

How would you score?

life is what happens when you're not looking

update: grandpa was stable for a while, and was transferred back to the nursing home. He still couldn't talk or respond to anything, but it didn't seem like he was in any pain. My parents left on Sunday morning to go home.

my bro and I went to visit my grandpa on Sunday. My uncle was there, because the nursing home reported that he wasn't able to swallow anymore, he was running a temperature again, and having difficulty breathing. Back to the ER....

the fact that he's not swallowing now, and having difficulty breathing means he's deteriorating. I think he's basically going to starve to death, because they just can't get enough nutrition to his body through an IV. He also had a staph infection from all the IV's they've been using, and this strain is antibiotic-resistant.

words fail me. he looks so frail in the bed, quietly suffering. he can't talk to us, so we don't know if he knows what's going on. The nurse said touch and hearing are the last to go, so we keep talking to him and giving him reaffirming pats on the arm, but oh god... just wish his body would stop fighting and let him rest.

my dad flew back last night, and my mom is frantically trying to get work done so that she can come back. We're hoping for a quick ending.

diet has been piss-poor. trying to keep it together while at work, but when i'm at the hospital/nursing home/with family, it's damn near impossible. Family tries to be supportive of my diet, but in Alhambra, when there's all those good eats, and everybody feels like crap... food is a comfort. I don't wanna make everybody eat what I eat, so I try to pick things that won't absolutely ruin me.

I'm also in the middle of remodelling my house. My life is pretty effing nuts right now. My parents are loaning me the money to do it because they found a contractor who is so desperate for work that he gave us a ridiculously good price.

I have limited kitchen access, and soon my bathroom will be out of comission too. :P Fun times.

Workouts have been good. Mike continues to destroy me every time. I'm amazed that I'm basically doing the same stuff, but i'm still exhausted by the end.

He added sprints at the end of the workout last week. I'm pretty impressed with myself for being able to do them: 11 mins on the treadmill, at 8.4 mph. 20 seconds on, 10 seconds off. If you know me, you know I am NOT a runner. I've never hit 8.4 mph in my life. Pretty freaking incredible.

He's also started me doing deadlifts, which he hasn't incorporated up to now. My hammies hate me. Legs days are always painful... and the pain lasts into the rest of the week.

Today focused more on body weight exercises, but they were all what I call explosive exercises, ie, jump squats, jumping lunges, box jumps, jumping jacks... I got no hops, but i try. :P

started out with the stairs of death (less painful when my legs are fresh) for 10 mins: 1 min stepping on every stair, then 1 minute stepping on every other.

then outside to the parking lot for walking lunges: two lengths = 1 set. Second set with a 25 lb plate.

back inside for 50 j's

then:
25 jump squats
25 burpees
25 jump squats
25 burpees

then ab work (knee ups with 15 lb medicine ball between my legs-- dammit)

then step ups with 15 lb medicine ball, but quick switch over to other leg when on the box

50 j's

then box jumps (box is 1.5-2 feet tall? I dunno -- it's about knee height to me), but i begged for a lap around the parking lot first, cuz my legs were killing me.

more ab work (50 bicycles)

jumping lunges and half squats? this might've come somewhere earlier... i just remember hating doing them

modified romanian dead lift: front foot firmly planted, back toe at the heel of the front foot, back leg slightly bent.

we closed the workout back outside with walking lunges/jump squats/jumping lunge/jumping jack/burpee combo for one length of the parking lot. Mike called the shots -- whatever he said to do, we did. Then back inside for half squats and jumping jacks.

phew. Good thing i don't drive stick!

i take two steps forward, and one step back

it's been kind of a crazy week.

The weekend was great. Went for a long-ass hike on Saturday with Daph3000. We kicked some serious ass! Hiked for about 3.5 hours, and (i'm guessing) 6 miles. I had ambitions to mow the lawn in the backyard afterwards, but I definitely didn't have the energy for it.

Made a tasty meal of sockeye salmon and string beans for dinner when some friends came over. Good times.

Then on Sunday, got blindsided by a call from my mom that my grandpa wasn't doing well. "Would you mind going to check on him?"
Sure, no prob.

Went to the nursing home, fully expecting it to just be an infection or the flu. He wasn't able to talk or get out of bed, and he was feverish. He doesn't recognize me anymore, but he's always been able to hold a conversation, and he's generally pretty talkative. That day, I couldn't even get a response out of him. I noticed that when I touched him on the right side, he didn't even look at me. If I touched him on the left side, he would at least look at me. Bad news bears. His pupils were ok, and he was able to fight me when i tried to pry his eyelids open. Cranial nerve II intact at least (I know, i know... i'm a nerd... but this is my grandpa).

I talked with the attending nurse, and they gave him some tylenol to lower his temp. After a couple of hours, when his temp still hadn't gone down, they decided to send him to the emergency room. That's when the ish really hit the fan. When they heard he wasn't verbal or mobile, they ran a CT scan. Found an aneurysm that was affecting his speech, and causing pressure to build up in his head. The doctor said at 90 years old, the surgery wasn't worth it, and he would be hard-pressed to find a neurosurgeon that would be willing to do it.

So now, we sit and wait. It's a very eery feeling, waiting for somebody to die. I'm not really sure how to react. on the one hand, i'm sad that this is the end, but i also want it to end quickly. He's in ICU, and my parents are here to wait things out too. It's been kind of tough to stick to the diet because food is a comfort for my family. We've been out to Cheesecake Factory and Claim Jumper already, and my parents are planning on staying another week (at least).

I have found that it's much easier to stick to the diet if i don't even allow myself "just a taste." Once I taste the awesomeness of fat bastards, I can't stop myself. So... I have been watching my family eat lots of fat bastards. Avocado egg rolls, key lime cheesecake, fettucini alfredo... ay me. No thanks, I'll just have a salad with the dressing on the side or a steak with veggies on the side. :( even with all my efforts at sticking to the diet, though, i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle this week. there are so many hidden calories in restaraunt food (ie, veggies cooked in butter). hence the tagline for this post.

Workouts have been a welcome reprieve, for reasons i listed in my last post. they drown out the chaos that's inside my head sometimes.

i'm starting to develop callouses on my hands, and even as a girl, i am totally ok with that. i will wear those callouses as a badge. if a guy judges me for not having baby-soft hands, i will just kick his ass. hahahaha. :) Today, when mike had me doing work on the cable machine, what limited me was my grip more than my strength. awesome.

the mental game

Last week I had my first biggest loser moment:

My house is walking distance (somewhere between 0.25 and 0.5 mile) from a shopping center that has a ranch 99, Petco, Sam Woo, JJ bakery, KFC, Subway, Marie Callendars, 24 hr fitness, etc. Whenever I go to any of those places (to be clear, i have not even entered Sam Woo, Marie Callendars, Baskin Robbins, Subway, or JJ bakery -- they don't exist in my diet), I try to walk there. I figure it's good for the environment, and it's good for me.

I ran out of alfie's food on tuesday, so i decided to take him for a walk to petco to pick up his food after work on wednesday. I always bring my backpack, and usually pick up the 5 lb? 2.5 lb? bag. The Chinese in me hated buying the smaller bag, though, because the 15 lb bag saves you almost half the cost. I never bought the 15 lb bag before because it didn't fit in the cupboard at my bro's house, and I was too lazy to try carrying the 15 lb bag back home if I walked.

Feeling empowered by my 18 lb loss, I decided to try it. I managed to shake and remold the bag so that it fit in my backpack (yay for REI backpacks... now i know they fit 15 lb bags of dog food!), and hefted it onto my back. Man... this thing was 3 lbs lighter than what I weighed when I started, and it felt like a ton of bricks. No WONDER I was tired all the time! I hoofed it home with alfie, and counted that as my work out for the day (I did ask alfie why he couldn't carry his own food, and he just gave me a blank stare. Dogs...).

On the physical front:
My blood pressure has gone from 120/80 to 100/70, resting heart rate of about 65 bpm (goal of 60). Dunno what my cholesterol is, but I will have blood drawn in another 2 mos.
----------------------------------------------------------

I had some really deep thoughts about how working out has given me a lot more confidence and a higher tolerance for bullshit at work, but I've just been interrupted twice by phone calls, and my patience is wearing thin again. So much for that. :P

hahaha, no, seriously. i was thinking about it today as i was driving in to work -- I'm a lot less stressed out, i think i am much nicer to the students than i otherwise would have been, and have adopted a new "take no shit" attitude, but deliver it softly. Rawr.

I also discovered that i really enjoy working out. Who'd have thunk it? It is the only time when I tune out my inner voice, and focus on what's in front of me. No thoughts of work, alfie, boys, family, responsibilities, appointments, what's for dinner, errands, house, mortgage, small group... just focusing on what I need to do to keep up good form, and get through the set. It's freaking awesome. I wish i could have more moments of clarity like this, but i'm female, and worrying is in my genes (because there's DANGER around every corner, as my dad says).

whoa.

today was my 2 month weigh-in and measurements. I don't remember everything, but here's what I do remember:

1. lost 1 inch off my neck (so random, but awesome)
2. lost 4 inches off my chest (yes, this is a downside to losing weight... i have been wondering where my boobs went)
3. lost 1.5 inches off my hips
4. mike said my legs are very even. I don't really know what that means, but there was a 0.5 inch difference between the two when I first started, and now they are about even. Apparently it's very tough to get them even? No idea.
5. grand finale.... ready for it?? Lost 18 lbs! My scale at home says 16 lbs, but I know i didn't weigh myself on the very first day I started training, so maybe I had already lost 2 lbs by then. Either way, that number is blowing my mind.

I couldn't help but laugh at myself, because I think any normal person would be jumping up and down and doing fist pumps. I just kinda stood there, stunned. The only thing that came to mind was "whoa." hee.

Mike did some calculations, and said I was down 3.6% body fat-wise, but he doesn't think that's possible, considering how much i've lost in the caliper measurements. He thinks it's because i am in a new age category (*sigh*), and that's throwing things off.

I KNOW I've lost body fat, because I am stronger than i have ever been, and my clothes are fitting better (i've actually had to stop wearing some of my clinic clothes because they just look too sloppy/baggy).

This was just the kick in the pants I needed to keep me going. I was beginning to feel a little discouraged because the diet was so tough to adhere to this week (I ended up giving in to carb cravings and had a piece of carrot cake at work... which meant I had to have string cheese for dinner that night... which made for a very miserable night), and as far as I could tell, the scale hadn't budged for the last two weeks, despite my best efforts. I did notice, though, that my tshirts were fitting better, so maybe I was gaining muscle, just not losing weight?

I think I need to stop being so hard on myself for the slip-ups, and stick to my guns by getting back on track as soon as I make a mistake. Looking back was making me miserable.

It's amazing to me how fragile my self-esteem is sometimes...

i dunno why she swallowed the fly... perhaps she'll die

i'm sitting at work, not doing work because all i can think about is what i really really want to eat.

had an attack of the carbs cravings last night. thank god i got rid of all the snacks from last weekend, or i probably would've inhaled them all.

i forced myself to go to sleep, hoping that it would be better this morning. unfortunately, it's not.

had a tuna and spinach salad for lunch, with a handful of nuts/trek mix (i'm hoping the cranberries and fats from the nuts will help calm some of this craziness that is running through my head right now). ay me, this is going to be a long day...

back in the saddle

back at it this morning...

i am definitely getting old, because I just don't bounce back from benders like i used to. It takes much longer than one day to get back to "normal" after binge drinking and hangovers. :P Running/jogging yesterday was pretty much pointless. I ran as much as I could, but couldn't even make it to .25 mile nonstop. *sigh*

weekend of awesome eating (carbs galore) makes it hard to get back to clean eating. There are snacks all over my house from the hike (i'm going to get rid of them tonight, so i don't have to keep looking at them). Eating to live is definitely less fun than living to eat, but I'm getting used to it.

today's workout:
1. warmup
2. 50 j's, 50 high knees, 50 j's
3. half squats with 55 lb dumbbell
4. lunge around the parking lot (glad this was at the beginning of the workout)
5. 50 high knees, 25 jump squats
6. static lunges with 2 10 lb dumbbells
7. something here that i can't remember
8. jump lunges
9. kick outs (ab work on bench)
10. squats w/ weighted ball
11. butt work: lift straight leg to side, return, then kick back while on all fours on bench
12. plank on swiss ball, with rotation (plank position with elbows, hands on ball. rotate ball under elbows clockwise for one set, then counterclockwise for one set).
13. two laps
14. jump squats
15. stairs of death: just when i thought it couldn't get any more painful, mike made me step on every other step, kicking the back leg out before bringing it up to the next step. 10 mins. fuuuuuck.
16. 50 j's

there was more ab work somewhere in this set, but i can't remember where it fell...

went shopping this afternoon, and noticed my bum is sore already. awesome.

my dog eats more carbs than i do

just got back from working out this morning. I figured it's been a while since i blogged, so here is today's workout:

1. warmup on treadmill
2. suicides (effing A!)
3. deep squat with bar (the soft light one). Start out sitting/almost asian squatting on low step with bar on shoulders, stand. Repeat. I forget how many reps
4. static lunges (40? each leg)
5. 20 j's
6. 1 lap
7. 20 j's
8. burpees with a jump up, crawls, mountain climbers (20 reps each -- again... effing A!)
9. quad extensions (starting w/ mid-weight for 20, high weight for 15, low weight for 30). This machine always burns, no matter how many reps, or weight.
10. jump squats
11. prone hammie curls (see reps for quad extensions)
12. jump squats
13. more hammie curls, this one on the machine that has you seated
14. 1 lap
15. 20 j's
16. stairs of death for 10 mins. Ramped it up at 8 mins and 9 mins (mike made me push the button myself the last time... can't believe i actually pushed it... if i were smart and/or more devious, i could've just pretended. dammit)
17. 4 laps

didn't do much as far as cardio outside of my workouts with mike last week because I managed to get sick. :( I did, however, finally swim laps at the community pool. It's a great pool. Standard 25 yard pool. One lap is to the other end and back (2 lengths). I swam 1 mile on Sunday, in sets of 4 laps, alternating freestyle and breast stroke. The goal is to be able to do all of it freestyle, with shorter breaks in between. The water was so choppy, though, that I got worn out pretty quickly at first. I usually hit my stroke at about lap 15. After that, it gets easier.

went for a run/jog yesterday with alfie. I am building up to running a mile nonstop (i kid you not... after all this training, i still can't run a mile nonstop... i sucks at running). I must've done something to my hip flexors swimming, cuz it actually hurt to run. Walked another 3 miles after the initial run.

food was a challenge last week, cuz there was a bday cake for one of my bible study peeps sitting in my fridge all week, as well as tortilla chips from the dinner. I will admit, i ate the tortilla chips a couple of days before i finally threw the bag away. I am proud to say that i didn't touch the cake, and managed to watch my bro and joe eat it right in front of me. I also made turkey burgers on sunday (i didn't eat the bun), and sent the extra buns home with my bro. There was one left over, which i smeared with peanut butter and fed to alfie. I think he gets more carbs than I do.... is that sad?

Two posts in one day? Unheard of!

For my readers (all 2 of you) who haven't been through Paul's House of Pain, or indoctrinated about working out by Paul (especially you gals out there who only do cardio because you're afraid of "getting big" -- talk to me, and I'll set you straight), here's something motivating for you to read. It is Paul's mantra, and I am quickly adopting it too.

alwyn cosgrove's fat loss rant

I love this because he gives it to you straight. Take responsibility for your own fatness. It's the best thing you can do for yourself (it's effing hard, but it is all you). Trust me, nobody loves eating fat bastards more than I do!

Chung, Mike recommends American Whey protein powder. I bought some and have been taking it immediately post workout, and sometimes blended with some nonfat greek style yogurt to boost protein content as well as thickness as a meal replacement. As far as protein powders go, it actually tastes pretty good (I bought the double dutch chocolate).

down 10 lbs, baby!

3 workouts last week to make up for the missed workout the week before. I don't quite remember everything that Mike made me do, but I will say that suicides is a new dirty word to me.

Checked in with the scale yesterday to find out I have lost 10 lbs! I reweighed myself this morning to make sure it wasn't just water weight. Sho 'nuf, I'm down 10 lbs. It's been six weeks (i think?) which is pretty effing awesome (for me).

This week's workouts have been particularly painful. I don't know if it's because I haven't been sleeping well, eating enough the day before the workouts, or because Mike has been ramping up the workouts, etc, but I kind of want to die about halfway through. I have yet to actually throw up (probably because I don't eat anything before I go), but have felt the need to throw up at both workouts this week. I busted out the whiny bitch on Tuesday, and she made a cameo appearance today as well.

Things I hate doing (but Mike makes me do anyway): suicides, crawls, stairs of death, and today's newest addition -- duck walk followed by jump squats with the easy curl bar. Shiet. I was openly swearing (not at Mike, mind you). I'm pretty sure my mom would've been ashamed.

After doing duck walks and jump squats, Mike made us lunge around the parking lot, and then run 3 laps. Then, just when you'd think we were done... he made us finish with 10 mins on the stairs of death. The girl I train with (Jackie) was singing Britney Spears the whole time she was on the stairs just to help her pass the time faster. I was torn between really wanting her to shut up, and giving her props for being able to sing while doing the stairs of death.

Hoping to keep it together this weekend... Have a 30th bday party to go to tomorrow night (I'm dd-ing, so hopefully that'll get me out of a lot of empty calories and carbs). I'm getting better at just saying no to certain things. I made my own dinner last night when the church folks came with pizza. It smelled delicious, but not enough for me to undo all the work I've done thus far. Go Ed. :)

Last week was crazy.

I missed my Thurs AM workout because of a meeting at work (boo). I also ate like crap all week because of various reasons. I tried my best, but I hate being the person who demands that special things be ordered/made just because "I am on a diet."

Graduation party Friday night, wine tasting on Monday, parents here visiting over the weekend... it was pretty bad.

I did manage to motivate my mom to go for a walk with me on Friday. Alfie and I set the pace for the first mile, then on the mile back, I started a game: run ahead with Alfie to the end of the block (the blocks are long in irvine), then run ladders between mom and the end of the block until she catches up. Repeated almost the entire way home. I am getting better at running, but am def not a runner.

Yesterday's workout showed me just how quickly my body will revert back to its slovenly ways if I skip one workout, because I am in some serious pain today (I was to the point where I recovered within the day of the workout last week):

1. warm up as usual
2. 50 side-mountain climbers (Mike called them something else... but it was basically the same motion, with my feet out to the side of my hands instead of straight behind me)
3. knee-ins, 50 reps (sit on edge of bench, bring knees into chest for ab work -- I still suck at these)
4. 10 mountain climbers on edge of bench, followed by push up off bench, 25 reps.
5. side steps (on low step, side step up with 1st leg, jump over to the other side, then use the second leg to jump back up, repeat), 50 reps
6. bench press with 25 lb plate, 30 reps.
7. push ups on bench, 10 reps
8. kettlebell squat, but using 25 lb plate in both hands, 30 reps
9. knee-ins, holding 25 lb plate overhead, 35 reps
10. scissor kicks without 25 lb weight, 35 reps
11. push ups on bench, 15 reps
12. kettlebell squat, with 25 lb plate again, 30 reps.
13. 2 laps
14. 50 j's
15. tricep extension on cable machine w/ rope attachment, 15 lbs? 20 lbs? can't remember, 25 reps, hold last one for 10 seconds, 2 sets.
16. tricep extension on cable machine w/ 2 separate handle attachments, hands in pull-up position, weight? 25 reps, then switch hand position to chin-up position, repeat for 25 reps.
17. kettlebell squats, with 25 lb plate, 30 reps.
18. bicep curls w/ two 10 lb dumbbells, 30 reps.
19. tricep extension with two 10 lb dumbbells, 30 reps.
20. stairs of death for 10 mins. Mike kept increasing the speed every two minutes or so starting at the 6 minute mark when my muscles were screaming. Fucker. :)
21. 4 laps
22. 50 j's

Had a particularly salty dinner the night before, so i was retaining water like crazy all day yesterday. Still feel kind of "plumpy," which is disappointing because I was _starting_ to feel lean last week. Need to get back to clean eating so I can make my weight goal! I think my 6 week progress check should be coming up soon...

Moved to the new place over the weekend. The community pool is freakin' awesome. I'm gonna start swimming laps on my off-days. I am also in walking distance to a 24-hr fitness, and Alfie needs walking/running (he's much quieter when he's tuckered out).

oof

i'm back at work after my morning workout today, and i am beat. Mike took pity on me and cut the workout a little shorter than he had planned because I needed to be at work by 10 am.

I am def getting stronger. Used the squat machine today (sitting... almost laying back... with your feet up, pushing the weight away from you). He started me out with 2 plates of 45 for two sets of 20, then added another 45 lb plate for another two sets of 20. It'd be interesting to see what I can actually squat.

i honestly can't remember what exercises I do anymore... i've just turned off all thinking, and do whatever I'm told to do, to the best of my ability (and sometimes, I need a lot of spotting to get through the set).

as i was walking around campus just now, dropping things off, picking up charts, etc. I noticed I feel physically tired. Not too sore (yet), but very very beat. it's a good feeling, but it doesn't make getting around any easier.

Remember when you were a kid, and your parents took you on all their errands... and made you walk on your own through all those errands? And remember how towards the end of the day, everything about you felt heavy and like dead weight? But you troop along, cuz you're 4 yrs old, and you're proud that you can walk all on your own... until your little 4 year old legs just can't take it anymore, and then you stop, sit on the ground, lift up your arms to give that classically tell-tale sign that enough is enough, and say "carry me!!" That's how I feel right now. I want somebody to carry me. :) Yeah, that'd be nice.

yesterday's workout:

shortened warmup (5 mins on treadmill)

1. walking lunges w/ 2 10 lb dumbbells.
2. 50 j's, holding the 10 lb dumbbells in my hands.
3. walking lunges w/ bicep curls using 10 lb dumbbells.
4. 4 laps
5. split jumps (25 on each leg)
6. 50 j's
7. stairs of death (10 mins)
8. quad extensions on machine (30 reps at x, 15 at heavier, then 30 at lower)
9. 20 burpees, followed by 20 bicep curls. Repeat set twice.
10. 50 j's
11. wide leg squats, lifting 35 lb dumbbell, and touching it to the ground each time (50 reps)
12. hammie curls (see set reps for quad extensions).
13. 3 laps.
14. stairs of death (10 mins). I became a whiny bitch again, and begged to not do it anymore, cuz my legs were killing me. Mike had no mercy and made me finish. When I told him he pretty much killed me with this workout, he said "yeah, I wanted to make sure you won't forget about me this weekend."
Mike, you sick, sadistic, mofo.

week 2

today's workout:

warmup on treadmill for 10-15 mins, no incline.

1. 50 j's (jumping jacks)
2. 2 laps around the parking lot
3. chest presses with 25 lb plate (20 reps)
4. leg lifts holding 25 lb plate overhead (ab work) (20 reps)
5. repeate 3 & 4 to complete 3 sets
6. 2 laps
7. push ups on bar (almost upright... apparently this was too easy for me, so mike started pushing on my back to add resistace -- bastard) (15 reps)
8. pull ups (resting on heels, body straight in upside down plank position from smith bar, pulled chest up to bar) (5 reps)
9. repeat 8 & 9 to complete 3 sets.
10. 2 laps
11. cable machine, with rope handle attachment, tricep extensions (20)
12. cable machine, with bar handle attachment, arms straight, upper back work (20 reps)
13. 2 laps
14. 50 j's
15. ab work on bench: straigh leg lifts (one leg at a time), then crunch, 35 reps.
16. push ups off bench, hands close (10 reps) -- Mike wanted me to touch the bench with my chest before pushing back off. I got my chest down to the bench, but couldn't for the life of me push back up because my arms and chest were so fatigued by that point. hahahaha, i couldn't help but laugh cuz Mike kept saying "c'mon, edeline! Let's go!" I was trying my hardest, but I'm sure it looked like I wasn't doing anything, cuz he kept saying it. I couldn't do it! He had to come and lift my shoulders in order to straighten my arms! ahahahaha. So he let me bend as much as i could without collapsing, 10 reps.
17. wide-stance push ups off the bench, 10 reps
18. 45 j's
19. 3 laps
20. back exercise (i dunno what the name of the machine is, but works the upper back as you pull back on the handles)
21. cable machine with two handles, pulling down like pull-ups
22. switch hand positions to be like chin ups
23. mountain climbers (75 reps)
24. finish off on the stairs of death for 10 minutes. I only lasted 6 mins before i fell off, and then he put me on the treadmill, on an incline at 3.4 miles/hr. I wanted to die.

Mike promised another go at the stairs of death next time. ugh. Next time should be legs workout... I'm doomed.

Sent in my food log for last week, and Mike offered the following suggestions: no carbs after 1 pm, no more liquid calories like skim milk and juice, and recommended a protein powder (i'll have to look it up later) he likes. Also, recommended restricting to 1200 calories a day.

I alternate between looking forward to these workouts, and really dreading them because I feel so accomplished at having even gone, but also am always destroyed at them. I def need to work in another workout on the weekend to keep the burn up.

attitude tweak?

Second workout with Mike this morning.
I don't know if it was because of the teeny-tiniest bit of carb loading I did last night at dinner, the fact that I made sure to hydrate well and go to sleep early yesterday, the mental shakedown and pump-up I gave myself, but the workout went much better. There was a whole lot less whiny bitching from me, and a lot more of "ugh, oof," etc.

I went in there with Paul's "mind over matter" mentality, mixed with a mantra of "do your worst," and "getting to sexy hurts; man-up!" Whatever it was did the trick.

Also, I think my legs are much, much, much stronger than my core and upper body, because I didn't feel like vomiting at all this morning.

Started the workout with 3.5 mph walk on the treadmill for about 15 mins, no incline.

Then:
1. side step ups (20 on each leg)
2. static lunges (25 on each leg)
3. jumping jacks
4. step ups (20 each leg) -- the bench was way too high for me to not push off my back leg. Mike wasn't saying anything about form... so... pushing off it was.
5. leg extensions on the machine (set of 25 at x, then set of 20 at a little more, then set of 25 on lowest)
6. jump squats (25)
7. lap.
8. ab work on bench (bring knees into chest) -- this exercise kicked my buttocks. He wanted me to do it without holding the bench behind me, but i couldn't. even. do. one. My abs are major suckage.
9. hammies on machine (see sets from leg extensions)
10. lay on bench with handles attached to cable machine, legs straight up. Pull handles down to hips with arms straight (I really wish I knew the names of some of these exercises). I also needed a lot of help with this one, because, again, my abs are major suckage.
11. Lap.
12. ab work on bench again
13. wide-leg squat with straight arm overhead dumbbell raise (10lbs), 20 reps each side.
14. Lap.
15. "cool down." I say "cool down," because it pretty much does nothing for cooling down. :P Treadmill at max incline, 2.5 mph for 5 mins, then upped to 3.2 mph for 5 mins. I was not supposed to hold the rail, but I would have fallen off the treadmill if i didn't. My legs were like jelly.

So all in all, minimal cheating, max sweating and cursing, but good workout. I had a hard time getting into the car to go home, and am pretty sure I will be walking like a gimp for the next two days. I am awesome.

I fell twice cuz he pushed me so hard my legs gave out. Hahaha, and he took pity on me once cuz i must have looked like crap, and switched me to a different exercise. But, important to note is: i did not ask to stop. Yessss. Mind over matter. Mind over matter.

Facing a bachellorette party this weekend, with dinner and drinks. Will be difficult to not overindulge, but I'm hoping to sneak in some cardio tomorrow after work to keep my legs sufficiently in pain to remind me of what I will have to go through to work off any indulgences I may want to give in to.

it begins... again.

I'm back. And I have been whooped good.

I woke up this morning at 6 to be at the gym by 6:50 for my first personal training session.
My trainer is Mike. He is peppered throughout this website. He seems pretty nice, but man, he is a sick, sadistic, mofo.

He worked me for an hour straight. Started with a fit test of pull ups, push ups, sit ups, squats, running ladders, and plank. I wanted to die. Then we worked the machines, mainly upper body exercises, followed by outdoor total body work (burpees, jump squats, jungle climb, up-downs, punctuated by jumping jacks and running laps around the parking lot in between). Think Biggest Loser when the fatasses cry and whine about not being able to do anymore. Yup. That was me. Enter the fatass.

In the midst of all the exercises, I couldn't help but think what a fat, lazy sack of shit I've been, and how continuing to be that fat, lazy sack of shit got me to this point. It was truly painful, and I am ashamed of what I couldn't do. I was pretty much demoralized, but I'm hopeful that I will be able to hold my head up in a few weeks.

I was worried i wasn't going to make it home safely because my muscles were shaking so bad, and i felt light-headed. i guess that's a sign of a good workout? or a sign of my wimpiness.

homework for the week is writing down everything i eat and drink with calorie count.

I'm predicting I won't be able to raise my arms tomorrow, and am hoping that i won't be in so much pain that i will be able to survive another hour session on thursday. pray for me. hahahaha

I am so shallow

Two things that really should be outlawed at the gym:

1. farting.

2. old white men wearing tight, short, running shorts a la tom selleck in the 70's/80's doing bends, lifts, squats, etc.