confessions part II

battled with myself today over whether or not to go to crossfit after work, or delay the pain until Tuesday morning. Going twice a week makes timing workouts a little bit more key now (that Monday to Saturday gap is a bit too long, and the Saturday to Monday gap is a bit too short).

I was still a little sore from Saturday's workout, so I thought it might be a good idea to wait until Tuesday. My weekend of bingeing on goodies and not moving much, however, made me feel like a fat bastard, so I decided to force myself to go tonight.

I have been doing a lot of emotional eating lately (triggered by telling a student she was not going to pass her remediation, and having her insist that she would), and it only serves to make me feel worse. Feeling worse makes me want to eat more... it's a horrible horrible cycle. I kept giving in to the cookies calling me from the pantry (why I even bought them is an entirely different discussion) because they kept promising to make me feel better. They only brought temporary reprieve, though, and I woke up this morning feeling fatter than ever.

I sort of panicked this morning when I saw myself in the mirror, and realized I have put on quite a bit of fat. Ack. I CANNOT go back. I CANNOT GO BACK!

I need to get back to that place where I was at the top of my fitness game. It felt awesome. I am definitely not awesome right now, but I need to get back there. I realize now that I cannot have refined carbs/starch. It's the only way to maintain what little physique I had eked out. My body is just too good at packing on ab flab otherwise. Thinking back on it, I actually felt good -- no, STRONG -- when I wasn't polluting my body with sugars and starches. It was always a fight to not ingest the goodies, but my body just felt so much better, and I felt better about myself.

So, starting today, I am back to cleaning up my diet. I am altogether too lax when I am not following some plan, so I'm going back to recording everything that passes my lips, and watching my calories. I'm not promising that i won't slip up, but I'm laying out all my imperfections on the table, in the hopes that I can look back on this and remind myself why I am denying myself goodies. BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE SHIT WHEN I EAT SHIT. I am going to repeat this to myself over and over and over again, and remind myself of this crapiness the next time I am staring down the barrel of a baked goodie.

I might start recording my diet here... can't decide if I want to bore you with the details, but the thought of somebody (anybody) checking in on me might help keep me accountable.

So here's today's workout (it's starting to get intense, because Rob is not holding back for me anymore):

Warmup:

500 m row

3 rounds of: 3 pull ups (jumpers), 6 jump squats, 9 lunges

skill set: HANDSTANDS!

Yes, I did a hand stand. I needed some help getting my feet up against the wall (and Rob was spotting me the entire time... if he wasn't, i would have wussed out completely), but I was able to hold it for a couple seconds (2 seconds to be exact) before losing my balance.

WOD (workout of the day): 3 rounds

500 m row

handstand (modified for me by doing it in the downward facing dog position with my toes on a box to build strength up)

3 minute rest

--> however long it took to do the 500 m row is how long we had to hold the handstand. This sounded like it would be pretty not bad when Rob outlined it for us, but OMG was it painful! For every time we broke the handstand position, we had a penalty of 100 m row tacked on to the end of the workout.

I broke my handstand 4 times in total. :( My left thumb is still numb from the handstands (I think I have carpel tunnel syndrome... I basically couldn't feel my hands after the first 40 seconds of handstands in the first round).

It took me 2:09, 2:15 and 2:07 to row 500 m. Notice how I was pulling with all my might by the last round, because I didn't think I could hold the handstand for very long by then. it was kind of a catch 22, though, because pulling harder on the rows meant less shoulder strength to hold the handstands. :P That last round is my personal best for the 500 m row. Looking at the records wall at the crossfit gym, I may have set a record for the crossfit women! We'll see where everybody else comes in after today's workout (there was another class after mine).

week 1 crossfit done

just got back from my 2nd crossfit workout for the week.

1st workout:

200 m jog around the parking lot

stretching

then we did the Kelly, which was:

5 rounds of

400 m run

30 box jumps

30 wall balls

because it was my first workout, Rob told me to do 3 rounds instead of 5. The aim was to get it all done in 30 mins (it took me a little over 22 mins to just do 3 rounds).

I used a 10 lb ball, and the lowest box for the box jumps.

definitely room for improvement.

today, we did tire flips!

warm up was some hopping, skipping, lunging, and dodgeball (which reminded me so much of PE in grade school that i really did not enjoy it).

then, we did 2 rounds of:

situps

pullups (assisted for me, of course)

burpees

lunges

tire flips

box jumps

each exercise was one station, and we had a minute at each station to do AMRAP. Each team totaled up all their reps. My partner and I came in with 358, which sounds like a lot, but we were somewhere close to the bottom. I'm glad I can say my numbers came in close to my partner's, who has been coming to crossfit for a while. At least I didn't drag him down...

the thing i've noticed about crossfit is that it makes you want to vomit while you're working out, but I don't think i sustain the burn for as long as i did with Mike's workouts. I'm definitely going to have to work something else into my week to keep my metabolism going.

I miss Mike

progress report:
1. my workouts on my own have been a lot less than stellar -- sadly, they've been mainly running in the morning with the dogs. The good news is I haven't lost endurance. The bad news is, I've lost muscle tone.
2. my eating has been horrible (but delicious).
3. i've been super stressed-out at work (there is just too much work, and not enough ed to go around).

summary: I'm fat again. :(

okok, not really really fat like I was when I started this whole process, but I've gained weight and definitely gained fat. I can feel it -- in my pants, in my arms when I fold them, in my belly when I sit down, in my hips... ew. just... ew.

another summary: I miss Mike. I miss the ass-kicking I got 3 times a week, and I miss the way it felt to be strong and awesome. I am feeling a lot less than awesome right now.

I had a really really really stressful weekend two weekends ago hosting NBEO part III at work, which made me lethargic and exhausted for my work week last week. I am starting to feel like I did before I started working out -- energy level down, confidence level down, stress level up, and in general, just feeling like I want to crawl in a hole to disappear, eat popcorn, and sleep all day. I have three more hours of lecture I need to prepare (eep) this week, and hopefully things will let up.

Luckily for me, I recognized my penchant for fatassery, and took a pre-emptive strike: I signed up for Crossfit!

I went in for the introduction on Saturday, where the owner/trainer/coach, Rob, intro'd me to Crossfit principles and a fit test. Crossfit is a little bit scary in that it feels a little bit like a cult, but I am looking forward to some intense workouts. I hesitantly stated a goal to do a pull-up (I always hesitate to outline this as a goal because deep down i don't really believe i can do it, and i hate setting myself up for disappointment). I will give it my best shot.

I'm glad to say I still have some of the strength and endurance I had with Mike. Here's my start point (Rob called it my point A):

500 m row
40 bw squats
30 sit ups
20 push ups (Rob wanted chest, hips and legs to touch the floor each time, so he told me to do them from the knees -- I don't think i could have done 20 full body push ups touching my chest, hips and legs to the floor each time)
10 pull ups (jumpers, of course, because I can't do 1 to save my life right now)

total time: just over 6 mins.

There is definitely room for improvement (see push ups and pull ups), but overall, he was impressed with my ability to do all the exercises nonstop. He pointed out a few problems with form that indicate I need to strengthen a few muscles, which is cool.

I signed on for twice a week for the next few months. We'll see what comes out of it. Mainly, I've learned that given the chance to slack off, I will slack off (as is evidenced by what has happened to my body in the past couple of months). I need a weekly commitment to really keep my ass in line. It's sad, but true. Admitting it is half the battle. It sucks that I will have to continue to spend money on this, but I am unwilling to let go of what I worked so hard to accomplish. hehe, I guess I know I will never be rich, but hopefully I will be FIT!

Crossfit is cheaper than going to Mike (or else I would be back with Mike in a heartbeat), and I'm hoping to make some friends who will light a fire under my butt for fitness once again in the process.

Tonight's my first Crossfit workout. Wish me luck!