Since my last post (FOREVER ago), I have gained some weight (again) and what feels like a lot of fat. :T I am getting sick of making excuses for myself, because ultimately it comes down to calories in vs. calories out, but here's what happened:
Work started getting really stressful. And I mean really stressful. It still hasn't let up yet.
I ran the Long Beach 5k and somehow injured my toe, which literally took me out of the running for an indefinite amount of time. I am now the loser at the crossfit gym that stays behind when everybody else goes to run a couple laps. It's been almost 3 months, and still every time I run, the pain in my foot flares up. It is uber frustrating. No cardio/low cardio = fat ed. What can I say? Without some form of cardio, my body is extra efficient at packing on the pounds.
stress and feeling like a loser/frustrated about not being able to go out for a run made me eat more fat bastards than I'd like to admit.
what does this all mean? I gained weight. :( To the point that my pants are pretty embarassingly tight, and I might need to go back to my fat pants. :( :(
I am trying to take a more realistic view of my body, my life, my psyche (my reactions to stress, life, and situations I prefer to put in my "special place") and accept the setbacks with the victories. Yes, I have gained weight, but it doesn't mean I have given up.
I lost a lot of weight with Mike, but I made so many sacrifices while doing it, I can't say with complete confidence that I was happy. Now, I am enjoying life more via food, but I'm fatter. I'm not technically happy now either, though, because I feel fat. It's a delicate balance. I'm learning ever-so-slowly to just accept that I feel depressed/stressed/unhappy/unappreciated/etc instead of burying my feelings in a baked goodie. I am tired of punishing myself for being me... or maybe avoiding being me by eating? Still lots to sort out.
The next step will be what to do about being depressed/stressed/unhappy/unappreciated/etc so that I don't feel that way anymore. At the gym, my mantra is "just try." When faced with food, my new deal is to pause and ask, "will it really make you feel better?"
With the holidays looming on the horizon, I'm hoping to maintain the weight I'm at and then start losing again when my mom isn't around with her cooking. I've made it my goal for the rest of the year to eat no more than 1 non-paleo meal a day. I've been doing it for about two weeks, and I'm feeling much better in my workouts -- which, by the way, I've had to switch to 6:15 AM twice a week... I'm so freaking tired by Friday that I fall asleep by 9 pm and sleep straight until the next morning at 9 (and STILL feel exhausted). My workouts with Mike used to be at 7 AM, three times a week, and I don't remember feeling this awful. I'm beginning to wonder if there is something seriously wrong with me.
on a more positive note, I did manage to complete my first Rx workout last week (fight gone bad, woohoo!). Up next on my list for 2011? kipping pull ups and another Rx workout!
