*sigh*
this is my life now.
I make other people eat what I would've eaten pre-diet. muahahahaha. Usually, the victim is my bro, who is always more than willing to comply. I've thought it through over and over... and i really don't understand how we are from the same gene pool.
His body composition is pretty much lean muscle, with minimal fat. He works out regularly, of course, but his diet is shit compared to mine. He has a hard time understanding that I will balloon up like the sta-puft marshmallow man if i so much as breathe in a whiff of the crap he eats: this week, it was Korean fried chicken (twice -- I had a grilled chicken salad instead... pretty tasty, but not quite the same as fried chicken... damn, that was hard to watch), a fruit tart from the bakery next door, pinkberry, baguette with jam (almost an entire foot and a half of fresh-baked goodness in one sitting), bratwurst, white rice, gelato. All of this is usually past 7 pm (did I mention the week we went to Cheesecake Factory and Claim Jumper? that was also pretty miserable to watch). I shudder to think of what he eats during the day when I'm not with him.
I honestly don't think I can chalk it all up to the gender issue. For some reason, my body is just much more "efficient" at storing fat. Yay, me. :P
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Pushing the limits
I was waxing philosophical in the gym yesterday during a gruelling back/arms/chest workout (I know, I know, I said in a previous post that I block everything out during workouts and just focus on being there... but I can't help it if my mind wanders occasionally), and I realized that I should be looking at what happens in my life as challenges rather than obstacles.
In the gym, I/Mike push/es me beyond what I thought I could ever do. The sense of accomplishment I get from that is _almost_ more valuable than the physical change. If you'd talked to me four months ago, I never would have believed that I'd be where I am now (the outlook of a fat girl is never really that positive). There's always gonna be that moment where you think you can't do it. Can't finish the set -- shit, you probably CAN'T finish the set (and I often don't). But if you regroup, take a break, and just power through, eventually you get something more accomplished than if you just throw up your hands and give up.
The same applies to my life. These past few weeks have been really stressful. It's all relative, tho. If i look at it as stressful, it will be stressful. If i look at it as an opportunity to push my limits, then I know somehow I will come out better than when I started. So, no more bitching and whining about how my life sucks. I'm pretty damn fortunate (great job, great family, GREAT friends). I can deal with this, and I can get through it, cuz I am better than it (hahaha, i love how i need daily affirmations... from mySELF). :)
I can't remember what I did for workout yesterday (maybe I need ginseng or gingko biloba or something... my memory SUCKS). Here's what I do remember, in no particular order:
Stairs of death at top speed for 5 minutes at the end of the workout. Fuuuuuuuck. Try as I did, i couldn't stay on the whole time, and I kinda felt sick afterwards. There really is nothing fun about the stairs of death.
Running laps around the parking lot with 10 lb dumbbells in each hand: also not fun. Felt like a retard. :)
Also felt slightly retarded doing woodchoppers on the cable machine.
lots of pushups/variations on pushups. My arms felt like fettucini noodles afterwards, but mostly i couldn't help thinking Hunh. I am still too heavy for this.
bicep curls using 15 lb dumbbells for one set, then 12 lb dumbbells for second set.
dips on the bench
chest presses with 25 lb plate; sit ups with 25 lb plate (ugh)
kick outs and knee ups (my abs are still sucks -- hahaha, i really need to stop using engrish, but i love it so. i think it's prolly time to change my tagline, but i get a chuckle out of it every time i think of the cracker box)
cable rows followed immediately by kick outs, 8 sets (Mike called them 8x8's?)
I've been getting the diet back on track... ever. so. slowly. inch. by. damn. inch. So hard to get back to clean eating when you've been eating crap. It's like my body is addicted to crap. I can't wait until my kitchen is back up and running again so I can prepare my own meat and have some leafy greens besides salad (wtf... did i just ask to eat leafy greens??)
In the gym, I/Mike push/es me beyond what I thought I could ever do. The sense of accomplishment I get from that is _almost_ more valuable than the physical change. If you'd talked to me four months ago, I never would have believed that I'd be where I am now (the outlook of a fat girl is never really that positive). There's always gonna be that moment where you think you can't do it. Can't finish the set -- shit, you probably CAN'T finish the set (and I often don't). But if you regroup, take a break, and just power through, eventually you get something more accomplished than if you just throw up your hands and give up.
The same applies to my life. These past few weeks have been really stressful. It's all relative, tho. If i look at it as stressful, it will be stressful. If i look at it as an opportunity to push my limits, then I know somehow I will come out better than when I started. So, no more bitching and whining about how my life sucks. I'm pretty damn fortunate (great job, great family, GREAT friends). I can deal with this, and I can get through it, cuz I am better than it (hahaha, i love how i need daily affirmations... from mySELF). :)
I can't remember what I did for workout yesterday (maybe I need ginseng or gingko biloba or something... my memory SUCKS). Here's what I do remember, in no particular order:
Stairs of death at top speed for 5 minutes at the end of the workout. Fuuuuuuuck. Try as I did, i couldn't stay on the whole time, and I kinda felt sick afterwards. There really is nothing fun about the stairs of death.
Running laps around the parking lot with 10 lb dumbbells in each hand: also not fun. Felt like a retard. :)
Also felt slightly retarded doing woodchoppers on the cable machine.
lots of pushups/variations on pushups. My arms felt like fettucini noodles afterwards, but mostly i couldn't help thinking Hunh. I am still too heavy for this.
bicep curls using 15 lb dumbbells for one set, then 12 lb dumbbells for second set.
dips on the bench
chest presses with 25 lb plate; sit ups with 25 lb plate (ugh)
kick outs and knee ups (my abs are still sucks -- hahaha, i really need to stop using engrish, but i love it so. i think it's prolly time to change my tagline, but i get a chuckle out of it every time i think of the cracker box)
cable rows followed immediately by kick outs, 8 sets (Mike called them 8x8's?)
I've been getting the diet back on track... ever. so. slowly. inch. by. damn. inch. So hard to get back to clean eating when you've been eating crap. It's like my body is addicted to crap. I can't wait until my kitchen is back up and running again so I can prepare my own meat and have some leafy greens besides salad (wtf... did i just ask to eat leafy greens??)
Monday, August 10, 2009
the new chronicles of an anger bao
spent the weekend running errands and picking things out for my house. I am about 2 weeks into it, and about 2 weeks past going crazy.
we've basically gutted the house, and are replacing everything except the carpet in the bedrooms. I have no usable kitchen (been like that for about a week), and until today, was down to one shower and one sink (today, I have no sinks -- the cabinets and countertops aren't coming until Wednesday... say hello to brushing teeth and washing dishes in the one bathtub that is functional). There is dust everywhere, and I can't find anything because everything has been moved around. We are saving a lot of money by paying only for labor costs. This means, however, that I have to have everything picked out and picked up BEFORE they can work on things. This is the main source of my stress because:
1. i have issues committing to things that I know are going to be a permanent fixture in my house. What if i grow tired of it in 3 months???
2. i don't know the first thing about picking out things like toilets and light fixtures, nor do i really care about the aesthetics of toilets... and why are there so many !@#%ing options??
3. i am po', but have expensive taste.
4. I feel like i have to make these decisions in 5 minutes because the contractors work so quickly. While this is a good thing overall (I HATE living in this ruin... it is really driving me nuts), I feel too rushed to make an educated choice on a lot of things. I put in a full day at work, and spend my evenings/weekends at Lowes, Home Depot, and chinatown picking materials because they need them literally the next day.
5. my mom keeps finding new improvement projects to do on the house. Again, this is a good thing overall, but is a new source of stress because of the split-second decisions I have to make. She has been calling multiple times a day from Utah with "suggestions," and what i need to do to make them happen. My dad also hates these last minute quick-changes, and when I break the news to him, there are expletives and verbal eruptions that i have to deal with.
I finally just decided to "mm-hmm" through her suggestions, and not mention them to my dad. This was working, up until the point where she decided to drive here from Utah by herself this weekend (more expletives and high decibel eruptions from my dad) to get things done her way. Have I mentioned my family is INSANE?????
6. it's come down to several melting points between my dad and my bro, who has been helping out with managing the contractor. There have been lots of expletives thrown at me while at work. I feel really bad for him for having to deal with things while i am at work, and he keeps reminding me that he is giving up his summer vacation to do things that are technically MY responsibility. Guilt abounds, but my hands are tied. If i'd had more notice, I could have asked for time off from work to deal with these things myself. I took three days off this week during "staff development." I'm not sad to miss staff development, but it doesn't make me look like much of a team player if I take time off during those days, esp if I didn't give much notice before doing it. *sigh*
I feel like things are slipping a little at work too. I have a long list of charts that need to be reviewed and signed, grades need to be entered because it's the end of the quarter, and I got 2 emails from The Big Man about how I haven't been billing enough for our services. Great, now I have a big monkey (literally big) on my back watching my every move. I really need an extra day to just catch up. What am I doing instead? taking more time off...
Last week was 50/50 as far as diet. Because I have no kitchen and no sink, I've been having a lot of protein shakes and Wendy's grilled chicken fillets. Work was especially busy for some reason, and I needed to run errands for the house during lunch so I missed lunch 3/5 days.
we won't talk about my grandpa, cuz then I'll cry, and I'm blogging at work.
i am feeling just a little overwhelmed.
I realized as i was driving into work this morning that i have become a huge "anger bao" (as my dad calls it). My first reaction to things is to get angry nowadays. It's not healthy. I'm taking these 15 minutes to blog, release, and get on with things calmly and rationally. Everything will be ok. It really will. I just need to follow Frankie's advice and relax. :)
we've basically gutted the house, and are replacing everything except the carpet in the bedrooms. I have no usable kitchen (been like that for about a week), and until today, was down to one shower and one sink (today, I have no sinks -- the cabinets and countertops aren't coming until Wednesday... say hello to brushing teeth and washing dishes in the one bathtub that is functional). There is dust everywhere, and I can't find anything because everything has been moved around. We are saving a lot of money by paying only for labor costs. This means, however, that I have to have everything picked out and picked up BEFORE they can work on things. This is the main source of my stress because:
1. i have issues committing to things that I know are going to be a permanent fixture in my house. What if i grow tired of it in 3 months???
2. i don't know the first thing about picking out things like toilets and light fixtures, nor do i really care about the aesthetics of toilets... and why are there so many !@#%ing options??
3. i am po', but have expensive taste.
4. I feel like i have to make these decisions in 5 minutes because the contractors work so quickly. While this is a good thing overall (I HATE living in this ruin... it is really driving me nuts), I feel too rushed to make an educated choice on a lot of things. I put in a full day at work, and spend my evenings/weekends at Lowes, Home Depot, and chinatown picking materials because they need them literally the next day.
5. my mom keeps finding new improvement projects to do on the house. Again, this is a good thing overall, but is a new source of stress because of the split-second decisions I have to make. She has been calling multiple times a day from Utah with "suggestions," and what i need to do to make them happen. My dad also hates these last minute quick-changes, and when I break the news to him, there are expletives and verbal eruptions that i have to deal with.
I finally just decided to "mm-hmm" through her suggestions, and not mention them to my dad. This was working, up until the point where she decided to drive here from Utah by herself this weekend (more expletives and high decibel eruptions from my dad) to get things done her way. Have I mentioned my family is INSANE?????
6. it's come down to several melting points between my dad and my bro, who has been helping out with managing the contractor. There have been lots of expletives thrown at me while at work. I feel really bad for him for having to deal with things while i am at work, and he keeps reminding me that he is giving up his summer vacation to do things that are technically MY responsibility. Guilt abounds, but my hands are tied. If i'd had more notice, I could have asked for time off from work to deal with these things myself. I took three days off this week during "staff development." I'm not sad to miss staff development, but it doesn't make me look like much of a team player if I take time off during those days, esp if I didn't give much notice before doing it. *sigh*
I feel like things are slipping a little at work too. I have a long list of charts that need to be reviewed and signed, grades need to be entered because it's the end of the quarter, and I got 2 emails from The Big Man about how I haven't been billing enough for our services. Great, now I have a big monkey (literally big) on my back watching my every move. I really need an extra day to just catch up. What am I doing instead? taking more time off...
Last week was 50/50 as far as diet. Because I have no kitchen and no sink, I've been having a lot of protein shakes and Wendy's grilled chicken fillets. Work was especially busy for some reason, and I needed to run errands for the house during lunch so I missed lunch 3/5 days.
we won't talk about my grandpa, cuz then I'll cry, and I'm blogging at work.
i am feeling just a little overwhelmed.
I realized as i was driving into work this morning that i have become a huge "anger bao" (as my dad calls it). My first reaction to things is to get angry nowadays. It's not healthy. I'm taking these 15 minutes to blog, release, and get on with things calmly and rationally. Everything will be ok. It really will. I just need to follow Frankie's advice and relax. :)
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
public service announcement
came across this as i was "working" on charts this morning:
http://www.forbes.com/2009/07/17/breaking-bad-habits-lifestyle-health-unhealthy-habits.html
I clicked on the slideshow and did a mental count of how many bad habits I have/had before I started working out consistently and eating better (sort of... my diet is still sucky). 5/10: not enough sleep, high stress, poor diet, too much tv, no exercise. High stress and lack of sleep are harder to control, but I should be in control of the other 3.
Since when has 50% ever been acceptable for me? If this was a grade for a class, I'd be sitting in the dean's office, begging for another chance. Why can't I focus on my life the way I tackle school and work? It's strange how dichotomous my life is...
How would you score?
http://www.forbes.com/2009/07/17/breaking-bad-habits-lifestyle-health-unhealthy-habits.html
I clicked on the slideshow and did a mental count of how many bad habits I have/had before I started working out consistently and eating better (sort of... my diet is still sucky). 5/10: not enough sleep, high stress, poor diet, too much tv, no exercise. High stress and lack of sleep are harder to control, but I should be in control of the other 3.
Since when has 50% ever been acceptable for me? If this was a grade for a class, I'd be sitting in the dean's office, begging for another chance. Why can't I focus on my life the way I tackle school and work? It's strange how dichotomous my life is...
How would you score?
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
life is what happens when you're not looking
update: grandpa was stable for a while, and was transferred back to the nursing home. He still couldn't talk or respond to anything, but it didn't seem like he was in any pain. My parents left on Sunday morning to go home.
my bro and I went to visit my grandpa on Sunday. My uncle was there, because the nursing home reported that he wasn't able to swallow anymore, he was running a temperature again, and having difficulty breathing. Back to the ER....
the fact that he's not swallowing now, and having difficulty breathing means he's deteriorating. I think he's basically going to starve to death, because they just can't get enough nutrition to his body through an IV. He also had a staph infection from all the IV's they've been using, and this strain is antibiotic-resistant.
words fail me. he looks so frail in the bed, quietly suffering. he can't talk to us, so we don't know if he knows what's going on. The nurse said touch and hearing are the last to go, so we keep talking to him and giving him reaffirming pats on the arm, but oh god... just wish his body would stop fighting and let him rest.
my dad flew back last night, and my mom is frantically trying to get work done so that she can come back. We're hoping for a quick ending.
diet has been piss-poor. trying to keep it together while at work, but when i'm at the hospital/nursing home/with family, it's damn near impossible. Family tries to be supportive of my diet, but in Alhambra, when there's all those good eats, and everybody feels like crap... food is a comfort. I don't wanna make everybody eat what I eat, so I try to pick things that won't absolutely ruin me.
I'm also in the middle of remodelling my house. My life is pretty effing nuts right now. My parents are loaning me the money to do it because they found a contractor who is so desperate for work that he gave us a ridiculously good price.
I have limited kitchen access, and soon my bathroom will be out of comission too. :P Fun times.
Workouts have been good. Mike continues to destroy me every time. I'm amazed that I'm basically doing the same stuff, but i'm still exhausted by the end.
He added sprints at the end of the workout last week. I'm pretty impressed with myself for being able to do them: 11 mins on the treadmill, at 8.4 mph. 20 seconds on, 10 seconds off. If you know me, you know I am NOT a runner. I've never hit 8.4 mph in my life. Pretty freaking incredible.
He's also started me doing deadlifts, which he hasn't incorporated up to now. My hammies hate me. Legs days are always painful... and the pain lasts into the rest of the week.
Today focused more on body weight exercises, but they were all what I call explosive exercises, ie, jump squats, jumping lunges, box jumps, jumping jacks... I got no hops, but i try. :P
started out with the stairs of death (less painful when my legs are fresh) for 10 mins: 1 min stepping on every stair, then 1 minute stepping on every other.
then outside to the parking lot for walking lunges: two lengths = 1 set. Second set with a 25 lb plate.
back inside for 50 j's
then:
25 jump squats
25 burpees
25 jump squats
25 burpees
then ab work (knee ups with 15 lb medicine ball between my legs-- dammit)
then step ups with 15 lb medicine ball, but quick switch over to other leg when on the box
50 j's
then box jumps (box is 1.5-2 feet tall? I dunno -- it's about knee height to me), but i begged for a lap around the parking lot first, cuz my legs were killing me.
more ab work (50 bicycles)
jumping lunges and half squats? this might've come somewhere earlier... i just remember hating doing them
modified romanian dead lift: front foot firmly planted, back toe at the heel of the front foot, back leg slightly bent.
we closed the workout back outside with walking lunges/jump squats/jumping lunge/jumping jack/burpee combo for one length of the parking lot. Mike called the shots -- whatever he said to do, we did. Then back inside for half squats and jumping jacks.
phew. Good thing i don't drive stick!
my bro and I went to visit my grandpa on Sunday. My uncle was there, because the nursing home reported that he wasn't able to swallow anymore, he was running a temperature again, and having difficulty breathing. Back to the ER....
the fact that he's not swallowing now, and having difficulty breathing means he's deteriorating. I think he's basically going to starve to death, because they just can't get enough nutrition to his body through an IV. He also had a staph infection from all the IV's they've been using, and this strain is antibiotic-resistant.
words fail me. he looks so frail in the bed, quietly suffering. he can't talk to us, so we don't know if he knows what's going on. The nurse said touch and hearing are the last to go, so we keep talking to him and giving him reaffirming pats on the arm, but oh god... just wish his body would stop fighting and let him rest.
my dad flew back last night, and my mom is frantically trying to get work done so that she can come back. We're hoping for a quick ending.
diet has been piss-poor. trying to keep it together while at work, but when i'm at the hospital/nursing home/with family, it's damn near impossible. Family tries to be supportive of my diet, but in Alhambra, when there's all those good eats, and everybody feels like crap... food is a comfort. I don't wanna make everybody eat what I eat, so I try to pick things that won't absolutely ruin me.
I'm also in the middle of remodelling my house. My life is pretty effing nuts right now. My parents are loaning me the money to do it because they found a contractor who is so desperate for work that he gave us a ridiculously good price.
I have limited kitchen access, and soon my bathroom will be out of comission too. :P Fun times.
Workouts have been good. Mike continues to destroy me every time. I'm amazed that I'm basically doing the same stuff, but i'm still exhausted by the end.
He added sprints at the end of the workout last week. I'm pretty impressed with myself for being able to do them: 11 mins on the treadmill, at 8.4 mph. 20 seconds on, 10 seconds off. If you know me, you know I am NOT a runner. I've never hit 8.4 mph in my life. Pretty freaking incredible.
He's also started me doing deadlifts, which he hasn't incorporated up to now. My hammies hate me. Legs days are always painful... and the pain lasts into the rest of the week.
Today focused more on body weight exercises, but they were all what I call explosive exercises, ie, jump squats, jumping lunges, box jumps, jumping jacks... I got no hops, but i try. :P
started out with the stairs of death (less painful when my legs are fresh) for 10 mins: 1 min stepping on every stair, then 1 minute stepping on every other.
then outside to the parking lot for walking lunges: two lengths = 1 set. Second set with a 25 lb plate.
back inside for 50 j's
then:
25 jump squats
25 burpees
25 jump squats
25 burpees
then ab work (knee ups with 15 lb medicine ball between my legs-- dammit)
then step ups with 15 lb medicine ball, but quick switch over to other leg when on the box
50 j's
then box jumps (box is 1.5-2 feet tall? I dunno -- it's about knee height to me), but i begged for a lap around the parking lot first, cuz my legs were killing me.
more ab work (50 bicycles)
jumping lunges and half squats? this might've come somewhere earlier... i just remember hating doing them
modified romanian dead lift: front foot firmly planted, back toe at the heel of the front foot, back leg slightly bent.
we closed the workout back outside with walking lunges/jump squats/jumping lunge/jumping jack/burpee combo for one length of the parking lot. Mike called the shots -- whatever he said to do, we did. Then back inside for half squats and jumping jacks.
phew. Good thing i don't drive stick!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
i take two steps forward, and one step back
it's been kind of a crazy week.
The weekend was great. Went for a long-ass hike on Saturday with Daph3000. We kicked some serious ass! Hiked for about 3.5 hours, and (i'm guessing) 6 miles. I had ambitions to mow the lawn in the backyard afterwards, but I definitely didn't have the energy for it.
Made a tasty meal of sockeye salmon and string beans for dinner when some friends came over. Good times.
Then on Sunday, got blindsided by a call from my mom that my grandpa wasn't doing well. "Would you mind going to check on him?"
Sure, no prob.
Went to the nursing home, fully expecting it to just be an infection or the flu. He wasn't able to talk or get out of bed, and he was feverish. He doesn't recognize me anymore, but he's always been able to hold a conversation, and he's generally pretty talkative. That day, I couldn't even get a response out of him. I noticed that when I touched him on the right side, he didn't even look at me. If I touched him on the left side, he would at least look at me. Bad news bears. His pupils were ok, and he was able to fight me when i tried to pry his eyelids open. Cranial nerve II intact at least (I know, i know... i'm a nerd... but this is my grandpa).
I talked with the attending nurse, and they gave him some tylenol to lower his temp. After a couple of hours, when his temp still hadn't gone down, they decided to send him to the emergency room. That's when the ish really hit the fan. When they heard he wasn't verbal or mobile, they ran a CT scan. Found an aneurysm that was affecting his speech, and causing pressure to build up in his head. The doctor said at 90 years old, the surgery wasn't worth it, and he would be hard-pressed to find a neurosurgeon that would be willing to do it.
So now, we sit and wait. It's a very eery feeling, waiting for somebody to die. I'm not really sure how to react. on the one hand, i'm sad that this is the end, but i also want it to end quickly. He's in ICU, and my parents are here to wait things out too. It's been kind of tough to stick to the diet because food is a comfort for my family. We've been out to Cheesecake Factory and Claim Jumper already, and my parents are planning on staying another week (at least).
I have found that it's much easier to stick to the diet if i don't even allow myself "just a taste." Once I taste the awesomeness of fat bastards, I can't stop myself. So... I have been watching my family eat lots of fat bastards. Avocado egg rolls, key lime cheesecake, fettucini alfredo... ay me. No thanks, I'll just have a salad with the dressing on the side or a steak with veggies on the side. :( even with all my efforts at sticking to the diet, though, i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle this week. there are so many hidden calories in restaraunt food (ie, veggies cooked in butter). hence the tagline for this post.
Workouts have been a welcome reprieve, for reasons i listed in my last post. they drown out the chaos that's inside my head sometimes.
i'm starting to develop callouses on my hands, and even as a girl, i am totally ok with that. i will wear those callouses as a badge. if a guy judges me for not having baby-soft hands, i will just kick his ass. hahahaha. :) Today, when mike had me doing work on the cable machine, what limited me was my grip more than my strength. awesome.
The weekend was great. Went for a long-ass hike on Saturday with Daph3000. We kicked some serious ass! Hiked for about 3.5 hours, and (i'm guessing) 6 miles. I had ambitions to mow the lawn in the backyard afterwards, but I definitely didn't have the energy for it.
Made a tasty meal of sockeye salmon and string beans for dinner when some friends came over. Good times.
Then on Sunday, got blindsided by a call from my mom that my grandpa wasn't doing well. "Would you mind going to check on him?"
Sure, no prob.
Went to the nursing home, fully expecting it to just be an infection or the flu. He wasn't able to talk or get out of bed, and he was feverish. He doesn't recognize me anymore, but he's always been able to hold a conversation, and he's generally pretty talkative. That day, I couldn't even get a response out of him. I noticed that when I touched him on the right side, he didn't even look at me. If I touched him on the left side, he would at least look at me. Bad news bears. His pupils were ok, and he was able to fight me when i tried to pry his eyelids open. Cranial nerve II intact at least (I know, i know... i'm a nerd... but this is my grandpa).
I talked with the attending nurse, and they gave him some tylenol to lower his temp. After a couple of hours, when his temp still hadn't gone down, they decided to send him to the emergency room. That's when the ish really hit the fan. When they heard he wasn't verbal or mobile, they ran a CT scan. Found an aneurysm that was affecting his speech, and causing pressure to build up in his head. The doctor said at 90 years old, the surgery wasn't worth it, and he would be hard-pressed to find a neurosurgeon that would be willing to do it.
So now, we sit and wait. It's a very eery feeling, waiting for somebody to die. I'm not really sure how to react. on the one hand, i'm sad that this is the end, but i also want it to end quickly. He's in ICU, and my parents are here to wait things out too. It's been kind of tough to stick to the diet because food is a comfort for my family. We've been out to Cheesecake Factory and Claim Jumper already, and my parents are planning on staying another week (at least).
I have found that it's much easier to stick to the diet if i don't even allow myself "just a taste." Once I taste the awesomeness of fat bastards, I can't stop myself. So... I have been watching my family eat lots of fat bastards. Avocado egg rolls, key lime cheesecake, fettucini alfredo... ay me. No thanks, I'll just have a salad with the dressing on the side or a steak with veggies on the side. :( even with all my efforts at sticking to the diet, though, i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle this week. there are so many hidden calories in restaraunt food (ie, veggies cooked in butter). hence the tagline for this post.
Workouts have been a welcome reprieve, for reasons i listed in my last post. they drown out the chaos that's inside my head sometimes.
i'm starting to develop callouses on my hands, and even as a girl, i am totally ok with that. i will wear those callouses as a badge. if a guy judges me for not having baby-soft hands, i will just kick his ass. hahahaha. :) Today, when mike had me doing work on the cable machine, what limited me was my grip more than my strength. awesome.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
the mental game
Last week I had my first biggest loser moment:
My house is walking distance (somewhere between 0.25 and 0.5 mile) from a shopping center that has a ranch 99, Petco, Sam Woo, JJ bakery, KFC, Subway, Marie Callendars, 24 hr fitness, etc. Whenever I go to any of those places (to be clear, i have not even entered Sam Woo, Marie Callendars, Baskin Robbins, Subway, or JJ bakery -- they don't exist in my diet), I try to walk there. I figure it's good for the environment, and it's good for me.
I ran out of alfie's food on tuesday, so i decided to take him for a walk to petco to pick up his food after work on wednesday. I always bring my backpack, and usually pick up the 5 lb? 2.5 lb? bag. The Chinese in me hated buying the smaller bag, though, because the 15 lb bag saves you almost half the cost. I never bought the 15 lb bag before because it didn't fit in the cupboard at my bro's house, and I was too lazy to try carrying the 15 lb bag back home if I walked.
Feeling empowered by my 18 lb loss, I decided to try it. I managed to shake and remold the bag so that it fit in my backpack (yay for REI backpacks... now i know they fit 15 lb bags of dog food!), and hefted it onto my back. Man... this thing was 3 lbs lighter than what I weighed when I started, and it felt like a ton of bricks. No WONDER I was tired all the time! I hoofed it home with alfie, and counted that as my work out for the day (I did ask alfie why he couldn't carry his own food, and he just gave me a blank stare. Dogs...).
On the physical front:
My blood pressure has gone from 120/80 to 100/70, resting heart rate of about 65 bpm (goal of 60). Dunno what my cholesterol is, but I will have blood drawn in another 2 mos.
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I had some really deep thoughts about how working out has given me a lot more confidence and a higher tolerance for bullshit at work, but I've just been interrupted twice by phone calls, and my patience is wearing thin again. So much for that. :P
hahaha, no, seriously. i was thinking about it today as i was driving in to work -- I'm a lot less stressed out, i think i am much nicer to the students than i otherwise would have been, and have adopted a new "take no shit" attitude, but deliver it softly. Rawr.
I also discovered that i really enjoy working out. Who'd have thunk it? It is the only time when I tune out my inner voice, and focus on what's in front of me. No thoughts of work, alfie, boys, family, responsibilities, appointments, what's for dinner, errands, house, mortgage, small group... just focusing on what I need to do to keep up good form, and get through the set. It's freaking awesome. I wish i could have more moments of clarity like this, but i'm female, and worrying is in my genes (because there's DANGER around every corner, as my dad says).
My house is walking distance (somewhere between 0.25 and 0.5 mile) from a shopping center that has a ranch 99, Petco, Sam Woo, JJ bakery, KFC, Subway, Marie Callendars, 24 hr fitness, etc. Whenever I go to any of those places (to be clear, i have not even entered Sam Woo, Marie Callendars, Baskin Robbins, Subway, or JJ bakery -- they don't exist in my diet), I try to walk there. I figure it's good for the environment, and it's good for me.
I ran out of alfie's food on tuesday, so i decided to take him for a walk to petco to pick up his food after work on wednesday. I always bring my backpack, and usually pick up the 5 lb? 2.5 lb? bag. The Chinese in me hated buying the smaller bag, though, because the 15 lb bag saves you almost half the cost. I never bought the 15 lb bag before because it didn't fit in the cupboard at my bro's house, and I was too lazy to try carrying the 15 lb bag back home if I walked.
Feeling empowered by my 18 lb loss, I decided to try it. I managed to shake and remold the bag so that it fit in my backpack (yay for REI backpacks... now i know they fit 15 lb bags of dog food!), and hefted it onto my back. Man... this thing was 3 lbs lighter than what I weighed when I started, and it felt like a ton of bricks. No WONDER I was tired all the time! I hoofed it home with alfie, and counted that as my work out for the day (I did ask alfie why he couldn't carry his own food, and he just gave me a blank stare. Dogs...).
On the physical front:
My blood pressure has gone from 120/80 to 100/70, resting heart rate of about 65 bpm (goal of 60). Dunno what my cholesterol is, but I will have blood drawn in another 2 mos.
----------------------------------------------------------
I had some really deep thoughts about how working out has given me a lot more confidence and a higher tolerance for bullshit at work, but I've just been interrupted twice by phone calls, and my patience is wearing thin again. So much for that. :P
hahaha, no, seriously. i was thinking about it today as i was driving in to work -- I'm a lot less stressed out, i think i am much nicer to the students than i otherwise would have been, and have adopted a new "take no shit" attitude, but deliver it softly. Rawr.
I also discovered that i really enjoy working out. Who'd have thunk it? It is the only time when I tune out my inner voice, and focus on what's in front of me. No thoughts of work, alfie, boys, family, responsibilities, appointments, what's for dinner, errands, house, mortgage, small group... just focusing on what I need to do to keep up good form, and get through the set. It's freaking awesome. I wish i could have more moments of clarity like this, but i'm female, and worrying is in my genes (because there's DANGER around every corner, as my dad says).
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