the mental game

Last week I had my first biggest loser moment:

My house is walking distance (somewhere between 0.25 and 0.5 mile) from a shopping center that has a ranch 99, Petco, Sam Woo, JJ bakery, KFC, Subway, Marie Callendars, 24 hr fitness, etc. Whenever I go to any of those places (to be clear, i have not even entered Sam Woo, Marie Callendars, Baskin Robbins, Subway, or JJ bakery -- they don't exist in my diet), I try to walk there. I figure it's good for the environment, and it's good for me.

I ran out of alfie's food on tuesday, so i decided to take him for a walk to petco to pick up his food after work on wednesday. I always bring my backpack, and usually pick up the 5 lb? 2.5 lb? bag. The Chinese in me hated buying the smaller bag, though, because the 15 lb bag saves you almost half the cost. I never bought the 15 lb bag before because it didn't fit in the cupboard at my bro's house, and I was too lazy to try carrying the 15 lb bag back home if I walked.

Feeling empowered by my 18 lb loss, I decided to try it. I managed to shake and remold the bag so that it fit in my backpack (yay for REI backpacks... now i know they fit 15 lb bags of dog food!), and hefted it onto my back. Man... this thing was 3 lbs lighter than what I weighed when I started, and it felt like a ton of bricks. No WONDER I was tired all the time! I hoofed it home with alfie, and counted that as my work out for the day (I did ask alfie why he couldn't carry his own food, and he just gave me a blank stare. Dogs...).

On the physical front:
My blood pressure has gone from 120/80 to 100/70, resting heart rate of about 65 bpm (goal of 60). Dunno what my cholesterol is, but I will have blood drawn in another 2 mos.
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I had some really deep thoughts about how working out has given me a lot more confidence and a higher tolerance for bullshit at work, but I've just been interrupted twice by phone calls, and my patience is wearing thin again. So much for that. :P

hahaha, no, seriously. i was thinking about it today as i was driving in to work -- I'm a lot less stressed out, i think i am much nicer to the students than i otherwise would have been, and have adopted a new "take no shit" attitude, but deliver it softly. Rawr.

I also discovered that i really enjoy working out. Who'd have thunk it? It is the only time when I tune out my inner voice, and focus on what's in front of me. No thoughts of work, alfie, boys, family, responsibilities, appointments, what's for dinner, errands, house, mortgage, small group... just focusing on what I need to do to keep up good form, and get through the set. It's freaking awesome. I wish i could have more moments of clarity like this, but i'm female, and worrying is in my genes (because there's DANGER around every corner, as my dad says).

whoa.

today was my 2 month weigh-in and measurements. I don't remember everything, but here's what I do remember:

1. lost 1 inch off my neck (so random, but awesome)
2. lost 4 inches off my chest (yes, this is a downside to losing weight... i have been wondering where my boobs went)
3. lost 1.5 inches off my hips
4. mike said my legs are very even. I don't really know what that means, but there was a 0.5 inch difference between the two when I first started, and now they are about even. Apparently it's very tough to get them even? No idea.
5. grand finale.... ready for it?? Lost 18 lbs! My scale at home says 16 lbs, but I know i didn't weigh myself on the very first day I started training, so maybe I had already lost 2 lbs by then. Either way, that number is blowing my mind.

I couldn't help but laugh at myself, because I think any normal person would be jumping up and down and doing fist pumps. I just kinda stood there, stunned. The only thing that came to mind was "whoa." hee.

Mike did some calculations, and said I was down 3.6% body fat-wise, but he doesn't think that's possible, considering how much i've lost in the caliper measurements. He thinks it's because i am in a new age category (*sigh*), and that's throwing things off.

I KNOW I've lost body fat, because I am stronger than i have ever been, and my clothes are fitting better (i've actually had to stop wearing some of my clinic clothes because they just look too sloppy/baggy).

This was just the kick in the pants I needed to keep me going. I was beginning to feel a little discouraged because the diet was so tough to adhere to this week (I ended up giving in to carb cravings and had a piece of carrot cake at work... which meant I had to have string cheese for dinner that night... which made for a very miserable night), and as far as I could tell, the scale hadn't budged for the last two weeks, despite my best efforts. I did notice, though, that my tshirts were fitting better, so maybe I was gaining muscle, just not losing weight?

I think I need to stop being so hard on myself for the slip-ups, and stick to my guns by getting back on track as soon as I make a mistake. Looking back was making me miserable.

It's amazing to me how fragile my self-esteem is sometimes...

i dunno why she swallowed the fly... perhaps she'll die

i'm sitting at work, not doing work because all i can think about is what i really really want to eat.

had an attack of the carbs cravings last night. thank god i got rid of all the snacks from last weekend, or i probably would've inhaled them all.

i forced myself to go to sleep, hoping that it would be better this morning. unfortunately, it's not.

had a tuna and spinach salad for lunch, with a handful of nuts/trek mix (i'm hoping the cranberries and fats from the nuts will help calm some of this craziness that is running through my head right now). ay me, this is going to be a long day...

back in the saddle

back at it this morning...

i am definitely getting old, because I just don't bounce back from benders like i used to. It takes much longer than one day to get back to "normal" after binge drinking and hangovers. :P Running/jogging yesterday was pretty much pointless. I ran as much as I could, but couldn't even make it to .25 mile nonstop. *sigh*

weekend of awesome eating (carbs galore) makes it hard to get back to clean eating. There are snacks all over my house from the hike (i'm going to get rid of them tonight, so i don't have to keep looking at them). Eating to live is definitely less fun than living to eat, but I'm getting used to it.

today's workout:
1. warmup
2. 50 j's, 50 high knees, 50 j's
3. half squats with 55 lb dumbbell
4. lunge around the parking lot (glad this was at the beginning of the workout)
5. 50 high knees, 25 jump squats
6. static lunges with 2 10 lb dumbbells
7. something here that i can't remember
8. jump lunges
9. kick outs (ab work on bench)
10. squats w/ weighted ball
11. butt work: lift straight leg to side, return, then kick back while on all fours on bench
12. plank on swiss ball, with rotation (plank position with elbows, hands on ball. rotate ball under elbows clockwise for one set, then counterclockwise for one set).
13. two laps
14. jump squats
15. stairs of death: just when i thought it couldn't get any more painful, mike made me step on every other step, kicking the back leg out before bringing it up to the next step. 10 mins. fuuuuuck.
16. 50 j's

there was more ab work somewhere in this set, but i can't remember where it fell...

went shopping this afternoon, and noticed my bum is sore already. awesome.

my dog eats more carbs than i do

just got back from working out this morning. I figured it's been a while since i blogged, so here is today's workout:

1. warmup on treadmill
2. suicides (effing A!)
3. deep squat with bar (the soft light one). Start out sitting/almost asian squatting on low step with bar on shoulders, stand. Repeat. I forget how many reps
4. static lunges (40? each leg)
5. 20 j's
6. 1 lap
7. 20 j's
8. burpees with a jump up, crawls, mountain climbers (20 reps each -- again... effing A!)
9. quad extensions (starting w/ mid-weight for 20, high weight for 15, low weight for 30). This machine always burns, no matter how many reps, or weight.
10. jump squats
11. prone hammie curls (see reps for quad extensions)
12. jump squats
13. more hammie curls, this one on the machine that has you seated
14. 1 lap
15. 20 j's
16. stairs of death for 10 mins. Ramped it up at 8 mins and 9 mins (mike made me push the button myself the last time... can't believe i actually pushed it... if i were smart and/or more devious, i could've just pretended. dammit)
17. 4 laps

didn't do much as far as cardio outside of my workouts with mike last week because I managed to get sick. :( I did, however, finally swim laps at the community pool. It's a great pool. Standard 25 yard pool. One lap is to the other end and back (2 lengths). I swam 1 mile on Sunday, in sets of 4 laps, alternating freestyle and breast stroke. The goal is to be able to do all of it freestyle, with shorter breaks in between. The water was so choppy, though, that I got worn out pretty quickly at first. I usually hit my stroke at about lap 15. After that, it gets easier.

went for a run/jog yesterday with alfie. I am building up to running a mile nonstop (i kid you not... after all this training, i still can't run a mile nonstop... i sucks at running). I must've done something to my hip flexors swimming, cuz it actually hurt to run. Walked another 3 miles after the initial run.

food was a challenge last week, cuz there was a bday cake for one of my bible study peeps sitting in my fridge all week, as well as tortilla chips from the dinner. I will admit, i ate the tortilla chips a couple of days before i finally threw the bag away. I am proud to say that i didn't touch the cake, and managed to watch my bro and joe eat it right in front of me. I also made turkey burgers on sunday (i didn't eat the bun), and sent the extra buns home with my bro. There was one left over, which i smeared with peanut butter and fed to alfie. I think he gets more carbs than I do.... is that sad?

Two posts in one day? Unheard of!

For my readers (all 2 of you) who haven't been through Paul's House of Pain, or indoctrinated about working out by Paul (especially you gals out there who only do cardio because you're afraid of "getting big" -- talk to me, and I'll set you straight), here's something motivating for you to read. It is Paul's mantra, and I am quickly adopting it too.

alwyn cosgrove's fat loss rant

I love this because he gives it to you straight. Take responsibility for your own fatness. It's the best thing you can do for yourself (it's effing hard, but it is all you). Trust me, nobody loves eating fat bastards more than I do!

Chung, Mike recommends American Whey protein powder. I bought some and have been taking it immediately post workout, and sometimes blended with some nonfat greek style yogurt to boost protein content as well as thickness as a meal replacement. As far as protein powders go, it actually tastes pretty good (I bought the double dutch chocolate).

down 10 lbs, baby!

3 workouts last week to make up for the missed workout the week before. I don't quite remember everything that Mike made me do, but I will say that suicides is a new dirty word to me.

Checked in with the scale yesterday to find out I have lost 10 lbs! I reweighed myself this morning to make sure it wasn't just water weight. Sho 'nuf, I'm down 10 lbs. It's been six weeks (i think?) which is pretty effing awesome (for me).

This week's workouts have been particularly painful. I don't know if it's because I haven't been sleeping well, eating enough the day before the workouts, or because Mike has been ramping up the workouts, etc, but I kind of want to die about halfway through. I have yet to actually throw up (probably because I don't eat anything before I go), but have felt the need to throw up at both workouts this week. I busted out the whiny bitch on Tuesday, and she made a cameo appearance today as well.

Things I hate doing (but Mike makes me do anyway): suicides, crawls, stairs of death, and today's newest addition -- duck walk followed by jump squats with the easy curl bar. Shiet. I was openly swearing (not at Mike, mind you). I'm pretty sure my mom would've been ashamed.

After doing duck walks and jump squats, Mike made us lunge around the parking lot, and then run 3 laps. Then, just when you'd think we were done... he made us finish with 10 mins on the stairs of death. The girl I train with (Jackie) was singing Britney Spears the whole time she was on the stairs just to help her pass the time faster. I was torn between really wanting her to shut up, and giving her props for being able to sing while doing the stairs of death.

Hoping to keep it together this weekend... Have a 30th bday party to go to tomorrow night (I'm dd-ing, so hopefully that'll get me out of a lot of empty calories and carbs). I'm getting better at just saying no to certain things. I made my own dinner last night when the church folks came with pizza. It smelled delicious, but not enough for me to undo all the work I've done thus far. Go Ed. :)