getting back in the swing of things

I'm counting this week as my first official week back at crossfit, even though I went twice last week and once the week before. It's always tough coming back from any sort of hiatus, and my 3 month hiatus REALLY set me back. My strength and range of motion is still not all there, but I'm slowly working back up to it.

I'm back down to the green band for kipping pullups. No jumping, running or explosive movements. Coach Rob bought an airdyne for the box, just for me to to work in some cardio during the WODs when everybody else is running. It is just as painful as I remember it to be, but I'm not complaining. It's just good to be moving again!

Mainly it's the mental benefits that I missed the most. Just getting through each workout has been a great boost for my self esteem. My muscles have been sore almost every day this week. Sore muscles, I'm finding, are a great reminder for what my body used to do. They remind me to stand a little taller, move a little more -- they just make me feel better in general. Is that crazy? Probably, but whatever works, right? I'm a little sad that I've had to modify and scale down every movement so much, but reminding myself that it took time for me to build up to where I was pre-surgery helps a little. This morning when I woke up, I felt slimmer than I have in a long while. Who knows if I really am slimmer (I didn't take measurements because I just knew it would be too depressing), but seeing my waistline peek through that extra fat roll that came along with sitting on my butt for 3 months was encouraging. It's a great feeling to finally be moving in the right direction for once!

I've upped my nike fuelband goal to 3000 fuel points each day. That meant that last night I took Kina out for a walk before going to bed to make up the last 900 points. It's working! The diet hasn't been perfect, but I've been tracking my intake on myfitnesspal. I'm making sure that I keep my carb intake below 100 g each day (it doesn't always happen, but like I said before, each day is a fresh start).

I watched part 2 of an HBO documentary called "Weight of the Nation" the other night. It was about how Americans are becoming more and more obese, and touched on various methods of weight loss. I was really hoping there would be some analysis of diets (ie paleo vs weight watchers etc), but there wasn't. They did provide some interesting facts, however:

1. given 2 people with the same body weight and height, where one achieved that weight by dieting and exercising and the other just naturally weighs that much and didn't have to lose weight to attain a healthy BMI, the person who started out overweight needs to consume 20% fewer calories a day than the naturally not overweight person just to maintain the same body weight. Translation: if I go out with a friend with the same body makeup as I do, but she didn't have to train to get to this weight and eat the same amount of food, I've overeaten by 20%, but she hasn't! it just doesn't seem fair, but it's good information to have.

2. people who are most successful at long term weight loss keep records (often meticulous records) of what they eat, weigh themselves often (sometimes even every day), and exercise at least an hour a day.

3. look at caloric intake each day as a budget.

4. start with one small change. Master it, then add another. Repeat until you have the behavior you want.

My first small change? Going to crossfit 3x/week. I'm still counting calories and tracking carbs, but if I slip a little, I'm not gonna worry too much about it until diet becomes my "small change."

here and there

Man, have I been all over the place!

I have been officially cleared to resume life as "normal," according to my podiatrist. My foot feels just... okay, but I'm hoping with more physical therapy and time, I will be good as new. It still throbs and swells quite a bit by the end of the day, so I am taking it slow getting back into crossfit and exercise (read: I am only going to crossfit once a week, and trying to not eat too many fat bastards).

Fall quarter starts next Monday, and I am in charge of two classes. I've been frantically trying to prepare, but I know that there will still be horrible deadlines ahead of me this quarter, along with 10+ hour days and weekends at work to catch up on all the stuff I wasn't able to accomplish during the week. I've been trying to psych myself up for fall quarter by breaking it down week-by-week with a plan of when I will go to crossfit, but my plans are usually too optimistic to really happen (ie, go to crossfit at 5:30 AM when I haven't been able to get up earlier than 7 AM all summer, or go to crossfit at 7:30 PM after a 10 hr day at work with no time to eat lunch). Need to find something that works and just stick to the plan. 

I'm also taking the diet day-by-day. Was talking to a friend the other day about how easy it is to get railroaded (my will power has been next to nothing lately), and how, once you're railroaded, it's even harder to get started back up again. 30 days? I'm having a hard time lasting 30 minutes on paleo these days.

My approach has been this: every day is a new day, with no mistakes in it. If I make a mistake, then tomorrow is a new day! Each time I have a successful day, I count that as the beginning of a streak. Keep going to make the streak longer. Let's see how long I can go with paleo (ultimate goal to 30 days). Thus far? My streak is 1 day (yesterday, haha).

What helped me stay accountable last time? Blogging. So here goes for yesterday:
Food: paleo (with dairy and soy sauce). Fewer than 50 g of carbs.
Exercise: none, but reached 2000 on the fuel band

I'll get more detailed if I need to, but I'm hoping that knowing I will be posting how I did will help keep me in check.

This is the shit. Wake up and smell the...

Poop.

I'm 2 days shy of 2 months post-op for hallux varus correction on my right foot. This is the first week I've been completely without the walking boot, and my foot is tender and swollen. I had been planning for this week to be my debut return to crossfit, but my foot says otherwise.

I managed to go for a swim on Sunday, which is better than nothing, but swimming also managed to cause some swelling (believe it or not). Have decided to take it a little easier on the activity in favor of proper healing.

I'm pretty disappointed, though, because I'm feeling more fat than ever (I saw my profile in the mirror on Monday at physical therapy and noticed a new fat roll on my side -- ew). Not being able to do anything about it has been rough. I'm not looking forward to all the hard work of getting back into shape, but I am itching (literally) to feel better.

My eating hasn't been very on-point lately. I've been giving in to the temptation of rice and Chinese breakfast yummies that my mom keeps in constant supply at my house. For the first time in my life, though, I'm starting to feel how my diet affects my body. I have actually spent a few days feeling straight out nauseous. Part of me wonders if I think I'm nauseous because I've been reading so much about paleo/gluten and inflammation, or if what I'm feeling is true-blue physiological response to the crap that I'm putting into my body. If it is, how come I didn't notice this feeling when I was eating all this crap before?

So after reading all this, you might wonder, why the title of this post?

to remind me that this is life. There will be roadblocks. There will be parties, yummies, injuries, and fatness. I can pretend the backsliding isn't happening. I can get mad about it (which is really what I've been doing the past couple of weeks). I can even give up. But at the end of the day (or 10 years from now), I want to be able to look back and tell an awesome story (who wants to hear: she was fat. She lost a lot of weight once, had surgery, gained it all back, and then gave up?). Here's to smelling the poop and figuring out how to get rid of it!

Back from the dead

I guess it's time to resurrect this biatch. And by biatch, I mean me.

 I realized the other day how far off the path to fitness I've strayed since I stopped blogging. I never really thought of blogging as key to my success, but somehow I was more on track when I felt I was accountable to all 2 of my readers.

 So, whether or not anybody reads this, I'm going to start it up again -- because I need to answer to somebody/something apparently. I think it also helps that I have some place besides inside my head to process how I'm doing.

But first, updates:
1. I have essentially gained back all the weight I lost when I first started working out with Mike. :( I only have 2 pairs of pants that still fit (I disposed of all my fat pants in a rash moment of celebration about a year ago). We won't dwell on this. It is what it is.
2. I am about to have another surgery on my right foot to correct the overcorrection of the first surgery. I am really hoping that this one is it, because I lack the mental toughness to go through rehab again only to find out I still CAN'T run.

Having gotten the above 2 statements off my chest, I can move on/forward:
1. I am stronger than I was before I started, despite weighing the same. I'm not going to delude myself into thinking all the weight gained was muscle, but at least some of it is.
2. I am going at things again this round with more knowledge. That has to mean something, right? I've been following Dallas and Melissa Hartwig of Whole9, Robb Wolf, and NomNom Paleo on twitter to help "indoctrinate" myself with their focus on health and fitness throughout my day. It is very educational and entertaining.

I've been seeing an acupuncturist after a brief scare about a blood clot after my 1st surgery to see if I can stay off birth control pills to regulate my hormones. She is awesome. It's such a novel idea to look at my body and life as a whole, instead of just bunch of symptoms. We have been doing blood tests and labs to figure out where the hormone imbalances are, and tackling the overall picture with acupuncture and diet modification. You'd think I would be uber confused about what to eat because my acupuncturist comes from a different school of thought (ie, not paleo). Interestingly enough, what she's telling me pretty well lines up with the paleo doctrine. The fact that everything points in the same direction tells me I'm doing something right.

Thus far, we have established (I'm enjoying listing things today, if you haven't guessed already):
1. I am overstressed, and my body is tired (my cortisol and stress hormones are out of whack, keeping me up at night/disturbing my sleep, making me more tired and HUNGRY the next day... it's a vicious cycle).
2. My female hormones are off. Not sure if I really have PCOS.
3. I am allergic to eggs, almonds, yeast, wheat, oat, lettuce, citrus, ginger, beans, and some other obscure foods I rarely eat.

Now what?

Well, friends, I begin again. I have tried and failed at this fitness thing over and over again (but each time, I make small gains). Yet here I sit, ready to embark all over again. Why? Because I refuse to let this be my life. When I die and look back on my life, I do not want it to be a story that reads "she was a nice girl who was fat her whole life and gave up." I'm following this blog I stumbled across when I was googling for motivation. I'm not really sure where this gal is, but she has some very motivational images. I've saved a few for myself that I'll post here once in a while when I need a swift kick in the pants. Here's today's:

30 day challenge is ON!

Greetings to my 5 readers. :) I am starting a 30 day challenge today with my good friend and critic-who-gives-it-to-me-straight, Paul. We will be posting progress, wins, fails, etc here

awesomeness was so last season

So I know I haven't updated in a while, and I really have very little positive to say... but I thought I should update anyway, because this blog is about the journey, not the destination.

Since my last post (FOREVER ago), I have gained some weight (again) and what feels like a lot of fat. :T I am getting sick of making excuses for myself, because ultimately it comes down to calories in vs. calories out, but here's what happened:

Work started getting really stressful. And I mean really stressful. It still hasn't let up yet.

I ran the Long Beach 5k and somehow injured my toe, which literally took me out of the running for an indefinite amount of time. I am now the loser at the crossfit gym that stays behind when everybody else goes to run a couple laps. It's been almost 3 months, and still every time I run, the pain in my foot flares up. It is uber frustrating. No cardio/low cardio = fat ed. What can I say? Without some form of cardio, my body is extra efficient at packing on the pounds.

stress and feeling like a loser/frustrated about not being able to go out for a run made me eat more fat bastards than I'd like to admit.

what does this all mean? I gained weight. :( To the point that my pants are pretty embarassingly tight, and I might need to go back to my fat pants. :( :(

I am trying to take a more realistic view of my body, my life, my psyche (my reactions to stress, life, and situations I prefer to put in my "special place") and accept the setbacks with the victories. Yes, I have gained weight, but it doesn't mean I have given up.

I lost a lot of weight with Mike, but I made so many sacrifices while doing it, I can't say with complete confidence that I was happy. Now, I am enjoying life more via food, but I'm fatter. I'm not technically happy now either, though, because I feel fat. It's a delicate balance. I'm learning ever-so-slowly to just accept that I feel depressed/stressed/unhappy/unappreciated/etc instead of burying my feelings in a baked goodie. I am tired of punishing myself for being me... or maybe avoiding being me by eating? Still lots to sort out.

The next step will be what to do about being depressed/stressed/unhappy/unappreciated/etc so that I don't feel that way anymore. At the gym, my mantra is "just try." When faced with food, my new deal is to pause and ask, "will it really make you feel better?"

With the holidays looming on the horizon, I'm hoping to maintain the weight I'm at and then start losing again when my mom isn't around with her cooking. I've made it my goal for the rest of the year to eat no more than 1 non-paleo meal a day. I've been doing it for about two weeks, and I'm feeling much better in my workouts -- which, by the way, I've had to switch to 6:15 AM twice a week... I'm so freaking tired by Friday that I fall asleep by 9 pm and sleep straight until the next morning at 9 (and STILL feel exhausted). My workouts with Mike used to be at 7 AM, three times a week, and I don't remember feeling this awful. I'm beginning to wonder if there is something seriously wrong with me.

on a more positive note, I did manage to complete my first Rx workout last week (fight gone bad, woohoo!). Up next on my list for 2011? kipping pull ups and another Rx workout!

You're kind of strong like the ox

the title of this blog is a quote from Bryce, and I'm thinking of making it my mantra for this weekend's swim.

Bryce went to a crossfit workout with me during "friends and family" week a couple months back. He watched me do some of the moves for the workout that day, and he said I looked really strong. Strong like the ox.

At first, my feminine sensibility was offended at being compared to a hulking, smelly, hoofed animal used for hard manual labor. The word "ox," as it pertains to a description of women, evokes the image of a stout, broad-shouldered, Eastern European woman with man-hands that could crush a small child's skull with one squeeze. After he repeated it a couple times, though, I'm kind of proud to have acheived that name. Especially because I have always looked up to him as my strong older brother (to whom everything that requires any sort of strength, coordination or physicality comes relatively easily).

Last night at crossfit, we started a series wherein we are doing lifts to find our 1 rep max's. I topped off backsquats at 155, strict presses at 65, and deadlifts at 205. It was really an awesome feeling to break into the "200 club" on deadlifting.

The more I go to crossfit, the more I am in love with it. I see now why it is compared to a cult. Once the bug bites, there's no going back!

I'm working out like I used to (maybe even a little less intensely) with Mike, but it's an entirely different feeling. I loved working out with Mike. Honestly, I wouldn't have had the confidence to go to crossfit if I hadn't started with Mike. What's different about crossfit is that I'm not just there busting my ass to lose weight -- weight loss is a side benefit. I'm there busting my ass to improve myself, cheer on others, make friends, and do things I never thought I'd ever be able to do (run a 5k, deadlift more than my body weight, swim in a triathlon... what?!).

I have a lot of moments of self-doubt. My mind tends towards the negative naturally. I'm not sure if it's because I'm embarassed, afraid to fail, or my humble Asian upbringing, but my kneejerk reaction to most new/challenging things is "I can't." At crossfit, saying the word "can't" results in a $5 penalty. It's silly, really, but ever so slowly, that small change is changing my mentality. Suddenly, "I can't" has become "just try. No worries if you fail. There's always next time."

The shadows of doubt still seize me late at night -- they did earlier this week when I had a small nightmare about my swim, which turned into big doubts about my abilities to complete the swim when I was awake. The swim clinic coaches recommend having a mantra to repeat when out on the open water to get through the rough patches. They also warned about how quickly a mantra can fall apart when you're out in the open water, and it feels like forever until the next landmark. I witnessed it firsthand when my weak mantra of "i can do it" quickly fell apart into "I hate the ocean" as soon as the water hit my chest.

I've been searching for just the right phrase to repeat to myself this weekend when I'm out on the swells, pulling as hard as I can, but not feeling like i'm moving at all. "Just try" has gotten me so many personal records this year so far, but I need something a bit more convincing when I'm mentally ready to give up. So...strong like the ox? Yes I am.