You're kind of strong like the ox

the title of this blog is a quote from Bryce, and I'm thinking of making it my mantra for this weekend's swim.

Bryce went to a crossfit workout with me during "friends and family" week a couple months back. He watched me do some of the moves for the workout that day, and he said I looked really strong. Strong like the ox.

At first, my feminine sensibility was offended at being compared to a hulking, smelly, hoofed animal used for hard manual labor. The word "ox," as it pertains to a description of women, evokes the image of a stout, broad-shouldered, Eastern European woman with man-hands that could crush a small child's skull with one squeeze. After he repeated it a couple times, though, I'm kind of proud to have acheived that name. Especially because I have always looked up to him as my strong older brother (to whom everything that requires any sort of strength, coordination or physicality comes relatively easily).

Last night at crossfit, we started a series wherein we are doing lifts to find our 1 rep max's. I topped off backsquats at 155, strict presses at 65, and deadlifts at 205. It was really an awesome feeling to break into the "200 club" on deadlifting.

The more I go to crossfit, the more I am in love with it. I see now why it is compared to a cult. Once the bug bites, there's no going back!

I'm working out like I used to (maybe even a little less intensely) with Mike, but it's an entirely different feeling. I loved working out with Mike. Honestly, I wouldn't have had the confidence to go to crossfit if I hadn't started with Mike. What's different about crossfit is that I'm not just there busting my ass to lose weight -- weight loss is a side benefit. I'm there busting my ass to improve myself, cheer on others, make friends, and do things I never thought I'd ever be able to do (run a 5k, deadlift more than my body weight, swim in a triathlon... what?!).

I have a lot of moments of self-doubt. My mind tends towards the negative naturally. I'm not sure if it's because I'm embarassed, afraid to fail, or my humble Asian upbringing, but my kneejerk reaction to most new/challenging things is "I can't." At crossfit, saying the word "can't" results in a $5 penalty. It's silly, really, but ever so slowly, that small change is changing my mentality. Suddenly, "I can't" has become "just try. No worries if you fail. There's always next time."

The shadows of doubt still seize me late at night -- they did earlier this week when I had a small nightmare about my swim, which turned into big doubts about my abilities to complete the swim when I was awake. The swim clinic coaches recommend having a mantra to repeat when out on the open water to get through the rough patches. They also warned about how quickly a mantra can fall apart when you're out in the open water, and it feels like forever until the next landmark. I witnessed it firsthand when my weak mantra of "i can do it" quickly fell apart into "I hate the ocean" as soon as the water hit my chest.

I've been searching for just the right phrase to repeat to myself this weekend when I'm out on the swells, pulling as hard as I can, but not feeling like i'm moving at all. "Just try" has gotten me so many personal records this year so far, but I need something a bit more convincing when I'm mentally ready to give up. So...strong like the ox? Yes I am.