finally, better news! and less whining...

so, after two week-long vacations back home to my parents' house in Utah, a weekend stint to Bryce Canyon and Zion, I can officially say I am hiked out. Not really, cuz I still love to hike. It is so much better than the stairs of death.

Fitness, I am finding, is 80% eating, and 20% training. Too bad I am so good about training, and so bad about eating. Since my last post, I have still continued to struggle with my eating, but am finally starting to clean it up. It is a daily fight for me, and I've come to realize it might be a fight like this for the rest of my life.

I managed to hike enough during my last trip home to counterbalance some of the fat bastards my mom loves to cook for us (yes, i ate the fat bastards... i just couldn't stop myself). I made it up to a set of waterfalls in the mountains near my house that i have never been able to hike to! I am loving the fact that I am older now, and yet I am in better physical shape than I was when I was a teenager.

Crossfit has been doing a 100 day burpee challenge, wherein you do one more burpee (crossfit burpees include a pushup, touching your chest/stomach to the floor at the bottom of each burpee) each day (ie, 1 burpee on day 1, 2 burpees on day 2, etc, etc, etc). I managed to keep up with my burpees through my vacation to Bryce and Zion, but slipped up on my last trip home on day 32. :( Dangit.

Yesterday was my first Crossfit workout after my trip home, and I killed it:

20 min AMRAP of:
A1: dumbell clean & presses: 1-10 ladder (start with 1 clean and press on 1st round, then 2 the second round, etc)
A2: Cindy:
5 pull-ups
10 push-ups
15 air squats

I did the dumbell clean & presses with 25 lb dumbells, and made it through 7 rounds plus 7 of the next round's clean & presses.
I think my clean & presses may have turned a little into clean & jerks, because dammit, i was tired! 25 lbs in each hand got to be pretty heavy by about round 3. :P

I achieved my July goal of moving up from the green band (the widest band) to the blue band (next widest band) in assisted pull-ups! I can only do 2 pull-ups with the blue band (whereas I can do about 10 with the green band), but I'm getting stronger! This means I might actually be able to do a full-on, unassisted pull-up one of these days!

Before I left on my trip, I swear I was fatigued after 7 pullups with the green band. Coach Robert says if you can do 10 pull ups with a certain band, it's time to move up. I was really beginning to doubt my ability to move up a band by the end of this month. I think the burpees really did A LOT to train upper body strength, because I did absolutely nothing besides burpees, hike, eat, and play in the pool at my parents' house.

I am going to continue with the burpee challenge on my own, even though I am technically out of the competition at crossfit. I can almost do a set of 10 full body pushups (touching chest to floor at the bottom has reduced me to knee/girly pushups)! Gotta keep that strength!

In other news, before I left on my trip, I was able to push to a maxeffort weight for deadlifts of 195 for 2 reps! All I can say is, whoa. Never thought I'd be lifting that kind of weight. I'm excited to see how much more I can left next time.

it's a constant battle

so i'm back, after a brief blogging hiatus. I am up 10+ lbs since stopping training with Mike.

why? because I have been eating delicious things and not working out as much.

crossfit has been great. I love the community. I love learning new moves (push presses, snatches, handstands, running 5k's and cutting a minute off my overall run time... awesome). It's just not quite the same ass-kicking workout that I had with Mike. Part of it is schedule, part of it is me not being consistent with anything.

I'm finding I have to be really vigilant about everything (everything = diet, exercise, mental toughness) in order for me to maintain the weight loss. It's a very tiring, time-and-energy-consuming process. My body is just too good at putting on fat, and I am just too addicted to bad foods. I thought that after almost a year of training and eating clean with Mike that I would be in the habit of working out and eating the right foods. I was wrong. Life got the best of me, and I slipped back into my old ways.

I was too ashamed of myself to post this earlier (and that's why I've been avoiding blogging), but I realized that this is going to be a lifelong battle for me. It's healthier for me to 'fess up, come clean, and learn from my mistakes. Guilt (as I've said before) only makes me want to eat more. The sooner I turn it around, the better.

Barriers to my success:

1. Schedule: I succeeded with Mike because I was going consistently at 7 am three times a week. With Crossfit, I have been going in the evenings because I just cannot drag my ass out of bed an hour earlier to get to class at 6:15. I also feel really guilty for going to work out when my dogs needed a run. What has happened instead is that I wake up just barely in time to give my dogs a brief run (15 mins each... and no, I can't run them together... it always ends in disaster -- we've made other people fall over... eep), which is barely enough to give any of us any exercise. I come home from work and go to crossfit twice a week. My summer schedule has let up a bit, so I'm more able to attend classes, so I've signed on to go three times a week starting this week.

2. eating: My body has had carbs for too long now (again, my bad for thinking the eating thing would continue automatically... i know now it has to be a continual conscious effort), and I am addicted again. Every time I try to eat clean, I cave in to the cravings (stress and worry doesn't help the situation -- I am such a heavy emotional eater), and have to reset again. I've had a couple weeks here and there of really good eating, and have lost 2 lbs here and there, only to gain it back the next week when I am out with friends or give in the goodies that I crave. I think to really kick the cravings I have to eat super clean (no cheats at all) for 2 weeks in a row. Every time i start again, it is such a struggle to detox my body. It has been much better being held accountable with my friend Gus. We record what we eat and report it to each other every week.

3. motivation: my tightly-fitting pants should be enough motivation for me to stop eating bad things and go out for a run, but I have seriously lacked motivation lately. All I want to do is sit on my butt in front of the tv and waste away my time. I think it's because I am burned out from being overworked, and I just want to take a break. From EVERYTHING. Sometimes I feel like things are so challenging (work, friends, dogs, family), that I just want to give up and not try anymore. I know I'm supposed to be motivational and positive (positive thinking is what gets things done... and i HATE being Debbie Downer), but there are times where EVERYTHING seems daunting.

I took a week-long vacation last week to Vegas and home to Utah in hopes of refreshing myself. I am taking another week-long vacation at the end of July with family in hopes of keeping it up. I just got back from the first vacation yesterday, but because of the timing of everything, had to leave the dogs with my parents in Utah until I go back for the second vacation. My house is so empty without them. :( I've had even less motivation to go out and do things, although ironically enough, now i have the freedom to do them without feeling guilty about leaving the dogs at home. My mind is such a booby trap for me. I will come up with any excuse not to be active... it's pathetic.

I'm hoping... no. Make that I'm going to clean things up this week. I feel so disappointed in myself, and i can't stand this feeling. The trick is to use this as positive motivation, and not get so depressed that i wallow and give up.

I'll close with a motivational quote from the wall of "the box" aka, the crossfit irvine gym: "When I can run, I run, when I have to walk, I walk, when I am forced to crawl, I crawl, rest and live to fight another day”

confessions part II

battled with myself today over whether or not to go to crossfit after work, or delay the pain until Tuesday morning. Going twice a week makes timing workouts a little bit more key now (that Monday to Saturday gap is a bit too long, and the Saturday to Monday gap is a bit too short).

I was still a little sore from Saturday's workout, so I thought it might be a good idea to wait until Tuesday. My weekend of bingeing on goodies and not moving much, however, made me feel like a fat bastard, so I decided to force myself to go tonight.

I have been doing a lot of emotional eating lately (triggered by telling a student she was not going to pass her remediation, and having her insist that she would), and it only serves to make me feel worse. Feeling worse makes me want to eat more... it's a horrible horrible cycle. I kept giving in to the cookies calling me from the pantry (why I even bought them is an entirely different discussion) because they kept promising to make me feel better. They only brought temporary reprieve, though, and I woke up this morning feeling fatter than ever.

I sort of panicked this morning when I saw myself in the mirror, and realized I have put on quite a bit of fat. Ack. I CANNOT go back. I CANNOT GO BACK!

I need to get back to that place where I was at the top of my fitness game. It felt awesome. I am definitely not awesome right now, but I need to get back there. I realize now that I cannot have refined carbs/starch. It's the only way to maintain what little physique I had eked out. My body is just too good at packing on ab flab otherwise. Thinking back on it, I actually felt good -- no, STRONG -- when I wasn't polluting my body with sugars and starches. It was always a fight to not ingest the goodies, but my body just felt so much better, and I felt better about myself.

So, starting today, I am back to cleaning up my diet. I am altogether too lax when I am not following some plan, so I'm going back to recording everything that passes my lips, and watching my calories. I'm not promising that i won't slip up, but I'm laying out all my imperfections on the table, in the hopes that I can look back on this and remind myself why I am denying myself goodies. BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE SHIT WHEN I EAT SHIT. I am going to repeat this to myself over and over and over again, and remind myself of this crapiness the next time I am staring down the barrel of a baked goodie.

I might start recording my diet here... can't decide if I want to bore you with the details, but the thought of somebody (anybody) checking in on me might help keep me accountable.

So here's today's workout (it's starting to get intense, because Rob is not holding back for me anymore):

Warmup:

500 m row

3 rounds of: 3 pull ups (jumpers), 6 jump squats, 9 lunges

skill set: HANDSTANDS!

Yes, I did a hand stand. I needed some help getting my feet up against the wall (and Rob was spotting me the entire time... if he wasn't, i would have wussed out completely), but I was able to hold it for a couple seconds (2 seconds to be exact) before losing my balance.

WOD (workout of the day): 3 rounds

500 m row

handstand (modified for me by doing it in the downward facing dog position with my toes on a box to build strength up)

3 minute rest

--> however long it took to do the 500 m row is how long we had to hold the handstand. This sounded like it would be pretty not bad when Rob outlined it for us, but OMG was it painful! For every time we broke the handstand position, we had a penalty of 100 m row tacked on to the end of the workout.

I broke my handstand 4 times in total. :( My left thumb is still numb from the handstands (I think I have carpel tunnel syndrome... I basically couldn't feel my hands after the first 40 seconds of handstands in the first round).

It took me 2:09, 2:15 and 2:07 to row 500 m. Notice how I was pulling with all my might by the last round, because I didn't think I could hold the handstand for very long by then. it was kind of a catch 22, though, because pulling harder on the rows meant less shoulder strength to hold the handstands. :P That last round is my personal best for the 500 m row. Looking at the records wall at the crossfit gym, I may have set a record for the crossfit women! We'll see where everybody else comes in after today's workout (there was another class after mine).

week 1 crossfit done

just got back from my 2nd crossfit workout for the week.

1st workout:

200 m jog around the parking lot

stretching

then we did the Kelly, which was:

5 rounds of

400 m run

30 box jumps

30 wall balls

because it was my first workout, Rob told me to do 3 rounds instead of 5. The aim was to get it all done in 30 mins (it took me a little over 22 mins to just do 3 rounds).

I used a 10 lb ball, and the lowest box for the box jumps.

definitely room for improvement.

today, we did tire flips!

warm up was some hopping, skipping, lunging, and dodgeball (which reminded me so much of PE in grade school that i really did not enjoy it).

then, we did 2 rounds of:

situps

pullups (assisted for me, of course)

burpees

lunges

tire flips

box jumps

each exercise was one station, and we had a minute at each station to do AMRAP. Each team totaled up all their reps. My partner and I came in with 358, which sounds like a lot, but we were somewhere close to the bottom. I'm glad I can say my numbers came in close to my partner's, who has been coming to crossfit for a while. At least I didn't drag him down...

the thing i've noticed about crossfit is that it makes you want to vomit while you're working out, but I don't think i sustain the burn for as long as i did with Mike's workouts. I'm definitely going to have to work something else into my week to keep my metabolism going.

I miss Mike

progress report:
1. my workouts on my own have been a lot less than stellar -- sadly, they've been mainly running in the morning with the dogs. The good news is I haven't lost endurance. The bad news is, I've lost muscle tone.
2. my eating has been horrible (but delicious).
3. i've been super stressed-out at work (there is just too much work, and not enough ed to go around).

summary: I'm fat again. :(

okok, not really really fat like I was when I started this whole process, but I've gained weight and definitely gained fat. I can feel it -- in my pants, in my arms when I fold them, in my belly when I sit down, in my hips... ew. just... ew.

another summary: I miss Mike. I miss the ass-kicking I got 3 times a week, and I miss the way it felt to be strong and awesome. I am feeling a lot less than awesome right now.

I had a really really really stressful weekend two weekends ago hosting NBEO part III at work, which made me lethargic and exhausted for my work week last week. I am starting to feel like I did before I started working out -- energy level down, confidence level down, stress level up, and in general, just feeling like I want to crawl in a hole to disappear, eat popcorn, and sleep all day. I have three more hours of lecture I need to prepare (eep) this week, and hopefully things will let up.

Luckily for me, I recognized my penchant for fatassery, and took a pre-emptive strike: I signed up for Crossfit!

I went in for the introduction on Saturday, where the owner/trainer/coach, Rob, intro'd me to Crossfit principles and a fit test. Crossfit is a little bit scary in that it feels a little bit like a cult, but I am looking forward to some intense workouts. I hesitantly stated a goal to do a pull-up (I always hesitate to outline this as a goal because deep down i don't really believe i can do it, and i hate setting myself up for disappointment). I will give it my best shot.

I'm glad to say I still have some of the strength and endurance I had with Mike. Here's my start point (Rob called it my point A):

500 m row
40 bw squats
30 sit ups
20 push ups (Rob wanted chest, hips and legs to touch the floor each time, so he told me to do them from the knees -- I don't think i could have done 20 full body push ups touching my chest, hips and legs to the floor each time)
10 pull ups (jumpers, of course, because I can't do 1 to save my life right now)

total time: just over 6 mins.

There is definitely room for improvement (see push ups and pull ups), but overall, he was impressed with my ability to do all the exercises nonstop. He pointed out a few problems with form that indicate I need to strengthen a few muscles, which is cool.

I signed on for twice a week for the next few months. We'll see what comes out of it. Mainly, I've learned that given the chance to slack off, I will slack off (as is evidenced by what has happened to my body in the past couple of months). I need a weekly commitment to really keep my ass in line. It's sad, but true. Admitting it is half the battle. It sucks that I will have to continue to spend money on this, but I am unwilling to let go of what I worked so hard to accomplish. hehe, I guess I know I will never be rich, but hopefully I will be FIT!

Crossfit is cheaper than going to Mike (or else I would be back with Mike in a heartbeat), and I'm hoping to make some friends who will light a fire under my butt for fitness once again in the process.

Tonight's my first Crossfit workout. Wish me luck!

parting thoughts, and holy awesomeness, batman!

so tomorrow is officially my last training session with mike.

i am actually really sad about this, because i am in the best physical shape of my life, and I am so afraid that life will get the better of me like it did before, and I'll regress. I was supposed to have finished last week, but injured myself on Monday, and had to sit out the rest of the week. Turns out i might have pulled my hip flexor. I couldn't raise my leg to put pants on, get out of the car, go up stairs, or walk without pain. I was pretty frustrated because I had hit a high doing deadlifts and squats with 135 lbs (they finally felt natural, I had good form, and I was banging them out without pausing during sets).

Yesterday, we tried deadlifts, and I was back to feeling weak and awkward. My back aches a little bit because my form was crappy. Maybe I was subconsciously trying not to reinjure my leg, so i shifted my weight? who knows. All I know is that I was sort of sucky at deadlifts again. Boo on injuries.

i have turned into one of those annoying people who actually really enjoys working out. I have always somewhat enjoyed workouts, but now i really really like it. I am always interested in seeing what I can accomplish that day (even if it's the same weight, same sets, but my form is better), and I feel so good afterwards.

The most awesome thing of all? Somehow, Mike managed to turn me into a runner. I kid you not, I can now run outside for 2.3 miles nonstop pretty consistently. I'm tired, but I can do it. I mapped out a loop around my house, put on my shoes and my ipod, and just go. It is freaking awesome. I've NEVER been able to do this. Running has always been painful (lungs screaming, legs hurting, awkwardness), but somehow I've managed to find a rhythm that keeps me going, and at the risk of sounding repetitive, it is AWESOME.

One of my students who ran the nike human race with me lives nearby, and we meet once a week to go running. It is definitely better when there is somebody to run with and pace me, but I took my dogs out one morning last week, and we did pretty well on our own. Mike wanted me to run 3 miles 3 times a week (that's how this all got started), with an 8-minute first mile (which I don't think I will ever be able to do... but baby steps), and I've been pretty good at running at least twice a week on my off days.

My work schedule has been absolutely crazy. I have had one big long week for the entire month of january (seven days a week, going on 5 weeks in a row). The only way I am not ready to kill myself is because I have been working out and releasing the tension and stress that way. Before, i probably would've drowned my sorrows in a pint of Ben and Jerry's. Don't get me wrong, the urge to eat horribly is definitely there (I've been craving pancakes like crazy, and finally gave into that craving for dinner on Sunday), but now at least I know how to combat it.

I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, though... this weekend i might actually get saturday off if i can manage to get my shit done!

This is getting long, but that's what I get for not blogging in over a month.

last thoughts: Yesterday I was watching the news as i was getting ready for work, and they had a segment on being "skinny fat." It's where you have the right bmi for your height, but your body fat percentage is in an unhealthy range. I am not at a healthy bmi (still in the overweight category), and my body fat percentage (we'll have the final number tomorrow after we do my last set of measurements) will definitely not be in healthy ranges if my body followed the same trend it has been on since i started training. Also my digital scale, which has been ballpark says it's at about 30% (weight has stayed the same since last weigh-in, which means I have been converting fat to muscle... yessssss). This is about 9% down from my initial measurements (again, awesome), but in order for me to be healthy, i have about another 10-15% to go? damn... I may never be healthy.

I was feeling all great about myself until I saw that, and now I guess I have a new goal for myself. Here's to staying on track on my own! Wish me luck!

at home on a tuesday! sick. :(

it's about time i updated this thing.

I promised a while ago that I wouldn't use this blog to complain about a pretty damn cushy life, and since I haven't had anything nice to say... i've been quiet. :P

I've been pretty impervious to getting sick this season. Totally different from the last few years, when I've gotten sick at least 3 or 4 times per season. I attribute my invincibility this year to my excellent physical conditioning. There were a couple of close-calls, this year, but nothing too bad.

This week, however, I have been derailed. :(

Last week, I was only able to make it to workouts on Tuesday. I was too hung over from the weekend in Vegas to go on Monday, and had to proctor a midterm on Thursday morning, so I couldn't go on Thursday. I got sick on Sunday, and haven't been able to work out yet.

I am feeling fat.

that's mainly because my diet hasn't been the best. It hasn't been the worst, but it's definitely not ideal.

I gave Mike and Jon notice that I will be stopping training after January. I figure I will give myself some time to recover from the holidays (with my family, weight gain is inevitable), and then it's time to take this fitness thing on my own. Also, I just can't afford to keep it up. Well, not if i want to be able to save up for anything, that is.

I extended the original 4-month contract with the hopes of losing the last 10 lbs, and/or losing body fat. I'm pretty sure I haven't lost any weight, but I am down another size, which is promising! I am still pretty flabby, but I am coming to terms with that. This might be as good as it gets, and I think I should stop beating myself up for not having what I think is the ideal body. This might just be ideal for me, and I need to be ok with that.

It took me a long time to come to this conclusion, because it felt very much like I was giving up/quitting. The only thing I have quit in my life is piano, and I sort of regret that. I HATE the thought of being a quitter.

This is not to say that I won't continue to work out, and try for less body fat... but i think i need to set some realistic goals for myself -- realistic for my love of food, stress level at work, and need to have a social life (let's face it... people who are on a strict diet are no fun).

I think this is more healthy than being "skinny-minnie"?