confessions part II

battled with myself today over whether or not to go to crossfit after work, or delay the pain until Tuesday morning. Going twice a week makes timing workouts a little bit more key now (that Monday to Saturday gap is a bit too long, and the Saturday to Monday gap is a bit too short).

I was still a little sore from Saturday's workout, so I thought it might be a good idea to wait until Tuesday. My weekend of bingeing on goodies and not moving much, however, made me feel like a fat bastard, so I decided to force myself to go tonight.

I have been doing a lot of emotional eating lately (triggered by telling a student she was not going to pass her remediation, and having her insist that she would), and it only serves to make me feel worse. Feeling worse makes me want to eat more... it's a horrible horrible cycle. I kept giving in to the cookies calling me from the pantry (why I even bought them is an entirely different discussion) because they kept promising to make me feel better. They only brought temporary reprieve, though, and I woke up this morning feeling fatter than ever.

I sort of panicked this morning when I saw myself in the mirror, and realized I have put on quite a bit of fat. Ack. I CANNOT go back. I CANNOT GO BACK!

I need to get back to that place where I was at the top of my fitness game. It felt awesome. I am definitely not awesome right now, but I need to get back there. I realize now that I cannot have refined carbs/starch. It's the only way to maintain what little physique I had eked out. My body is just too good at packing on ab flab otherwise. Thinking back on it, I actually felt good -- no, STRONG -- when I wasn't polluting my body with sugars and starches. It was always a fight to not ingest the goodies, but my body just felt so much better, and I felt better about myself.

So, starting today, I am back to cleaning up my diet. I am altogether too lax when I am not following some plan, so I'm going back to recording everything that passes my lips, and watching my calories. I'm not promising that i won't slip up, but I'm laying out all my imperfections on the table, in the hopes that I can look back on this and remind myself why I am denying myself goodies. BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE SHIT WHEN I EAT SHIT. I am going to repeat this to myself over and over and over again, and remind myself of this crapiness the next time I am staring down the barrel of a baked goodie.

I might start recording my diet here... can't decide if I want to bore you with the details, but the thought of somebody (anybody) checking in on me might help keep me accountable.

So here's today's workout (it's starting to get intense, because Rob is not holding back for me anymore):

Warmup:

500 m row

3 rounds of: 3 pull ups (jumpers), 6 jump squats, 9 lunges

skill set: HANDSTANDS!

Yes, I did a hand stand. I needed some help getting my feet up against the wall (and Rob was spotting me the entire time... if he wasn't, i would have wussed out completely), but I was able to hold it for a couple seconds (2 seconds to be exact) before losing my balance.

WOD (workout of the day): 3 rounds

500 m row

handstand (modified for me by doing it in the downward facing dog position with my toes on a box to build strength up)

3 minute rest

--> however long it took to do the 500 m row is how long we had to hold the handstand. This sounded like it would be pretty not bad when Rob outlined it for us, but OMG was it painful! For every time we broke the handstand position, we had a penalty of 100 m row tacked on to the end of the workout.

I broke my handstand 4 times in total. :( My left thumb is still numb from the handstands (I think I have carpel tunnel syndrome... I basically couldn't feel my hands after the first 40 seconds of handstands in the first round).

It took me 2:09, 2:15 and 2:07 to row 500 m. Notice how I was pulling with all my might by the last round, because I didn't think I could hold the handstand for very long by then. it was kind of a catch 22, though, because pulling harder on the rows meant less shoulder strength to hold the handstands. :P That last round is my personal best for the 500 m row. Looking at the records wall at the crossfit gym, I may have set a record for the crossfit women! We'll see where everybody else comes in after today's workout (there was another class after mine).