at home on a tuesday! sick. :(

it's about time i updated this thing.

I promised a while ago that I wouldn't use this blog to complain about a pretty damn cushy life, and since I haven't had anything nice to say... i've been quiet. :P

I've been pretty impervious to getting sick this season. Totally different from the last few years, when I've gotten sick at least 3 or 4 times per season. I attribute my invincibility this year to my excellent physical conditioning. There were a couple of close-calls, this year, but nothing too bad.

This week, however, I have been derailed. :(

Last week, I was only able to make it to workouts on Tuesday. I was too hung over from the weekend in Vegas to go on Monday, and had to proctor a midterm on Thursday morning, so I couldn't go on Thursday. I got sick on Sunday, and haven't been able to work out yet.

I am feeling fat.

that's mainly because my diet hasn't been the best. It hasn't been the worst, but it's definitely not ideal.

I gave Mike and Jon notice that I will be stopping training after January. I figure I will give myself some time to recover from the holidays (with my family, weight gain is inevitable), and then it's time to take this fitness thing on my own. Also, I just can't afford to keep it up. Well, not if i want to be able to save up for anything, that is.

I extended the original 4-month contract with the hopes of losing the last 10 lbs, and/or losing body fat. I'm pretty sure I haven't lost any weight, but I am down another size, which is promising! I am still pretty flabby, but I am coming to terms with that. This might be as good as it gets, and I think I should stop beating myself up for not having what I think is the ideal body. This might just be ideal for me, and I need to be ok with that.

It took me a long time to come to this conclusion, because it felt very much like I was giving up/quitting. The only thing I have quit in my life is piano, and I sort of regret that. I HATE the thought of being a quitter.

This is not to say that I won't continue to work out, and try for less body fat... but i think i need to set some realistic goals for myself -- realistic for my love of food, stress level at work, and need to have a social life (let's face it... people who are on a strict diet are no fun).

I think this is more healthy than being "skinny-minnie"?

human race

last weekend was the nike human race.

results: ran the 5k in just under 35 mins. I was so excited to start the race that i forgot to check my start time. nike didn't bother with the chips that time you, so we were responsible for watching our start and finish time. Crossed the finish line just as the clock said 34:something.

I ran over half of it nonstop, which is a new record for me, especially for a non-treadmill run. I think the last mile got me, because I stopped 3 times to walk for about 20 seconds. My competitive side got the better of me, and i forced myself to start running again even tho i just wanted to walk the rest. It wasn't so much that I was tired... it was more the mental game of feeling like I had sooo much more to go.

i can't tell if that's a good time or not (i have no frame of reference), but I'm pretty damn proud of myself for doing it.

I am still a little amazed at myself and how much i have accomplished since i started working out with Mike. I NEVER would have been able to do this six months ago.

I've never been a runner. Absolutely hate it, in fact. Somehow, tho, I really enjoyed myself at the 5k. I'm pretty sure it was fun because of the company I had (ran with one of my students, two of my bible study buddies, and two friends from UCLA). I kind of want to try for the 10k next time, but I know it will require a lot more training and a lot more mental toughness. I must be going crazy...

Mike has me doing deadlifts, but I am having a hard time with form. As soon as he puts me at 135, my form falls to pieces, and I can't lift using my butt anymore. Mike had me stretch out after workout yesterday because my form sucked so bad, but my lower back kind of hates me despite that. Standing all day for fundus lens proficiencies today hasn't helped much, either. One more day of proficiencies tomorrow, and then hopefully I can take it a little easier.

My shoulders and chest are also sore from doing bench presses. I've come to the realization after watching guys do chest exercises that I have boobs, not a chest. :P How do you guys press so much?? Pressing two 25lb dumbbells makes me make my constipated face...

ripped the callouses off my palms this morning in the gym doing deadlifts, but didn't know I did it until I got home. My hands are gross right now. I'm almost afraid to shake somebody's hand because I have all this hardened, dead skin poking out. Too bad I'm trying not to be a wuss, or I'd definitely glove up.

don't have time to post the entire workout. just thought i'd share the grossness that is me. Oh yeah, and also, since i'm into oversharing, I am sooo guilty of showing the VPL (visible panty line) at the gym. Esp this morning cuz i was rockin' the granny panties. :) I just don't feel like it's worth the extra laundry to have to change underwear just to work out. Laziness wins out over shame, i guess.

oh man. this really was a little too much of an overshare. i might delete this post later...

body going crazy

last week was not so great diet-wise. I went out for drinks on Thursday and Friday, and had a bbq at my place on Saturday, which meant that I ate a lot of (fatty)carbs when I probably shouldn't have.

I woke up this morning feeling fat. :(

I also felt my worst last week, as far as workouts and just getting through the day. I had pretty bad headaches on thursday, friday and saturday, and was falling asleep at work on thursday and friday. I took an hour-long nap on Saturday, and a 3-hr nap on Sunday (which I haven't needed to do since I started working out, incidentally -- 3-hr naps on Sunday used to be pretty standard practice).

i didn't really think about the general malaise. I don't think I'm very good at listening to my body -- which is how I managed to get fat and lazy in the first place... my body had been crying out for change for a long time. I just kept ignoring it. I'm hoping to be better about listening to my body now that I know what being healthy feels like.

Warning: another overshare about to come. I wasn't actually supposed to be on my period last week or this week, but it has started and stuttered these two weeks, along with cramps (which are usually accompanied by fatigue, but I can't tell if i was tired from hormones or something else). I'm not sure exactly what this means, but I am going to the endocrinologist tomorrow for a follow-up on PCOS and being on bcp's. We'll see what he says based on my blood work from last week. Maybe that's why it's been so hard with the cravings and workouts.

I emailed my food logs to Mike this morning, and he told me that I haven't been consuming ENOUGH calories if I am going for the no carb/atkins during the week, and carb-loading on the weekend. I averaged about 600-700 cals/day during the week, and about 1200? on the weekend. I may have miscalculated, but maybe that's why I was having a hard time last week?

He said I should be getting 1500 on non-workout days, and 2000+ on workout days! Woohoo, that means I don't have to keep telling the fat girl to stop eating. The only problem is that I am getting a little sick of eating just meat and green veggies, and am therefore having a hard time WANTING to eat (which may also have been why my calories were so low last week -- nothing was appetizing to me), unless it's a cookie or ice cream. Who'd have thought I, girl who LOVES to eat, would grow tired of eating??

hehe, I went for a carl's jr. low carb 6 dollar burger for dinner tonight, though, and it was delicious. Maybe I don't dread eating that much... ;)

I want a cookie

the only thing that is saving me from buying a cookie is the fact that i left my wallet in the car from driving to workout this morning, and I am too sore/lazy to walk to the parking structure to get it. There is a God, and He knows I should not be eating a cookie.

why do i want a cookie? because work is stressing me out. I won't bore you with the details.

This morning's workout (another ow):

3 laps, with sprints down the back leg of each lap

as many squats as possible, holding two 30-lb dumbbells; 20 seconds on, 10 seconds rest, repeat for five minutes total

30 j's

as many squats as possible, bodyweight only, but wider stance w/ feet pointed out, arms up at the bottom, down when standing, fast reps; 20 seconds on, 10 seconds rest, repeat for six minutes total

2 laps w/ sprints down the back

box jumps with squats on the box, 15 reps. 5 sets.

straight-leg deadlifts with two 30-lb dumbbells, 10 reps. 3 sets.

35? j's

single leg deadlifts with back leg extended, one 30-lb dumbbell. First set of 10 grabbing weight with hand on same side as weight-bearing leg. Second set, opposite hand and leg (my hammies are sore).

walking lunges. 2 lengths of parking lot = 1 set. 2 sets.
Mike started me out with the two 30-lb dumbbells. I asked to switch to the bar because my forearms were killing me. My grip is uber weak.

The bar was better, but not by much. My back and shoulders started to ache, and taking a break only really rested my legs.

finished with 3 laps around the parking lot, with sprints again.

diet was crappy this weekend because I went to a wedding, and had 12 station food for lunch from pickup stix on Friday. I couldn't resist the chow mein. Exchanged that with a no-carb dinner of tri tip and broccoli on Sunday with my bro. Prolly doesn't even out...

mental roadblock?

today's workout:

circuits of:
burpees
squat thrusts with the ez curl bar and 20 lbs?
box jumps
run to the end of the parking lot and back

two sets of 10, then two sets of 8, two sets of 6, 4, 2.

5 sets of:
seated cable rows, 8 reps at 70 lbs.

knee-ups/jumping jacks between sets

straight-arm cable oblique woodchoppers, 30 reps at 60? lbs

5 sets of:
push ups on the smith machine bar, 10 reps
modified pullups/chinups on the same bar (feet on the floor), 10 reps

5 sets of:
dips, 10 reps
pull ups, 10 reps, on the assisted pull-up machine

ab work (i was weaksauce by then, and needed breaks)

stairs of death at level 10, 5 minutes. Still can't do it nonstop. I suck. :(

my head wasn't totally in it today. Work has been crazy busy, and had a couple of late nights thrown in from extra meetings. I have been pretty ok with eating. The only carbs I've had probably from hidden carbs in salads ordered from restaurants. I'd forgo the salads, but I need some fiber in my diet (otherwise I would only be eating meat, some cheese, nuts and protein shakes).

Workouts were super challenging last week, and I left them feeling awesome (shoot, I felt awesome during them). This week, they've been pretty challenging as well, but for whatever reason, my mental toughness hasn't been full force. I find myself wondering what i've gotten myself into halfway through the session, and wishing I was anywhere but working out. I still feel good after workouts (and everything is worth it), but this feeling of dread during workouts is new.

I'm surprised to find this mental barrier, because it seems like i've been going along at a good pace, and I'm finally getting leaner. I like pushing myself further than I've pushed before... running faster, lifting more, etc. with each workout. It feels AWESOME. I've honestly never made it this far in all my attempts at losing weight. This urge to take a break and relax for a bit is pissing me off a bit, because I'm so close. I need to push past this wavering and do this for myself -- to prove to myself that I can do it. It's been a lifelong struggle for me, and I want to finally win. This week felt like it took a huge mental effort to keep with it, and put 100% into working out and diet. I knew there'd be a "total body transformation" when I started this. Who knew I'd also be transforming my mind? :)

Ow, part 2

still sore from yesterday, i went for my punishment this morning:

mike achieved truly evil status by deciding to do timed trials, but timed for the entire workout, not just each individual exercise. This meant that resting in between was nil. >:( you can't see me, but i am folding my arms in a huff.

warm up: 100 j's

sprints: 10 sets (jog down, sprint back = 1 set). see previous post about being retarded.
100 squat thrusts with two 15-lb dumbbells (there is no effing way i could've done 100 squat thrusts without resting. physically impossible!)
50 burpees, w/ jumping
100 push ups (girly-style, of course)
100 bent over rows with two 15-lb dumbbells
10 sprints. could only manage to speed walk down this time
100 squats, bodyweight only

i finished the above somewhere around 48? 46 mins?

next he had us doing ab work (just for fun):
planks for 30 seconds, 5 times
double leg lifts, 50 reps
single leg lifts, 50 reps each leg
50 j's

i am pretty much a walking vessel of lactic acid buildup.

the good news is, i had all my grumpiness/bitchiness from earlier in the week beaten out of me! I am actually cheerful today. hahaha

I signed up to do the Nike human race (any takers?), and am gonna start training for reals tomorrow morning at 8 so that i am not the absolute worst time.