it's a constant battle

so i'm back, after a brief blogging hiatus. I am up 10+ lbs since stopping training with Mike.

why? because I have been eating delicious things and not working out as much.

crossfit has been great. I love the community. I love learning new moves (push presses, snatches, handstands, running 5k's and cutting a minute off my overall run time... awesome). It's just not quite the same ass-kicking workout that I had with Mike. Part of it is schedule, part of it is me not being consistent with anything.

I'm finding I have to be really vigilant about everything (everything = diet, exercise, mental toughness) in order for me to maintain the weight loss. It's a very tiring, time-and-energy-consuming process. My body is just too good at putting on fat, and I am just too addicted to bad foods. I thought that after almost a year of training and eating clean with Mike that I would be in the habit of working out and eating the right foods. I was wrong. Life got the best of me, and I slipped back into my old ways.

I was too ashamed of myself to post this earlier (and that's why I've been avoiding blogging), but I realized that this is going to be a lifelong battle for me. It's healthier for me to 'fess up, come clean, and learn from my mistakes. Guilt (as I've said before) only makes me want to eat more. The sooner I turn it around, the better.

Barriers to my success:

1. Schedule: I succeeded with Mike because I was going consistently at 7 am three times a week. With Crossfit, I have been going in the evenings because I just cannot drag my ass out of bed an hour earlier to get to class at 6:15. I also feel really guilty for going to work out when my dogs needed a run. What has happened instead is that I wake up just barely in time to give my dogs a brief run (15 mins each... and no, I can't run them together... it always ends in disaster -- we've made other people fall over... eep), which is barely enough to give any of us any exercise. I come home from work and go to crossfit twice a week. My summer schedule has let up a bit, so I'm more able to attend classes, so I've signed on to go three times a week starting this week.

2. eating: My body has had carbs for too long now (again, my bad for thinking the eating thing would continue automatically... i know now it has to be a continual conscious effort), and I am addicted again. Every time I try to eat clean, I cave in to the cravings (stress and worry doesn't help the situation -- I am such a heavy emotional eater), and have to reset again. I've had a couple weeks here and there of really good eating, and have lost 2 lbs here and there, only to gain it back the next week when I am out with friends or give in the goodies that I crave. I think to really kick the cravings I have to eat super clean (no cheats at all) for 2 weeks in a row. Every time i start again, it is such a struggle to detox my body. It has been much better being held accountable with my friend Gus. We record what we eat and report it to each other every week.

3. motivation: my tightly-fitting pants should be enough motivation for me to stop eating bad things and go out for a run, but I have seriously lacked motivation lately. All I want to do is sit on my butt in front of the tv and waste away my time. I think it's because I am burned out from being overworked, and I just want to take a break. From EVERYTHING. Sometimes I feel like things are so challenging (work, friends, dogs, family), that I just want to give up and not try anymore. I know I'm supposed to be motivational and positive (positive thinking is what gets things done... and i HATE being Debbie Downer), but there are times where EVERYTHING seems daunting.

I took a week-long vacation last week to Vegas and home to Utah in hopes of refreshing myself. I am taking another week-long vacation at the end of July with family in hopes of keeping it up. I just got back from the first vacation yesterday, but because of the timing of everything, had to leave the dogs with my parents in Utah until I go back for the second vacation. My house is so empty without them. :( I've had even less motivation to go out and do things, although ironically enough, now i have the freedom to do them without feeling guilty about leaving the dogs at home. My mind is such a booby trap for me. I will come up with any excuse not to be active... it's pathetic.

I'm hoping... no. Make that I'm going to clean things up this week. I feel so disappointed in myself, and i can't stand this feeling. The trick is to use this as positive motivation, and not get so depressed that i wallow and give up.

I'll close with a motivational quote from the wall of "the box" aka, the crossfit irvine gym: "When I can run, I run, when I have to walk, I walk, when I am forced to crawl, I crawl, rest and live to fight another day”